Category Archives: discussion

Mayday

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I remember watching movies and hearing, “Mayday, mayday!” as an actor clutched a handset yelling for help into the great unknown.

This May has been a whirlwind. I’ve been working hard on the Charlotte Leukemia Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) Man of the Year campaign. We were tapped to participate a handful of days prior to kickoff and we are a team of 2 competing against others who are fundraising for the LLS. Other people have teams of ten or more and planned events for months, which is very impressive. But I got to tell you…I’m exhausted. I think I could have been a professional fundraiser if I wasn’t a writer, it employs many of the same specialities as film and television production- tenacity and not taking no for an answer. But it hasn’t left me much mind space for writing.

Until now. We’re at the home stretch. Tomorrow we are hosting a wine tasting, next Saturday, May 18 is the LLS Gala and then (hands flew up over my head) I’m done. My creative mind knows it will have my full attention. It’s bubbling with story ideas and plot points for TWO stories. I can’t believe it. I have two more book ideas in mind. I’m so excited! I can’t believe I can write more than one book.

And then another thought creeps into my mind. Mother’s Day. In my household I have a simple request. My husband has to take over Mommy duties for the day. I don’t want overpriced flowers- get them for me all year not on one day- I don’t want an expensive brunch. I want him to make the coffee, challah french toast, cook and clean, go to the grocery store and do the laundry including taking it out of the drier and folding it! I want him to be reminded of how hard it is to do it all. And I am happy to say, he does it. :)

But then I think about my struggle to have another child and remember there are women in our world who haven’t been able to fulfill their desire to have a family. I imagine Mother’s Day is hard for them. My heart breaks knowing a little bit of how they feel.

And now the story of the three girls and their child held captive comes out. I can’t wrap my brain around the horror they survived. The pain and grief their captivity caused their mother’s and families. I am thankful they are once again with their families. But I for one will be chaperoning my daughter for a long long long long long time.

And this is why I am calling, “Mayday!” There is so much good and bad, happy and sad going on this month. I am torn, elated, pushed and pulled, and I want to pause and take a breath. Hope this month has been a good one for you.

 

Defining Success

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If you ask me to define success, my answer would depend on the day. Today, it means I achieved the literary goal of submitting my novel to the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. I had to achieve four smaller goals on the ladder reaching toward the ultimate goal of having my book on your bookshelf (and everyone you know’s bookshelf).

The goals took herculean effort. I added over four thousand words to my young adult novel in less than one week and did my best to smooth out the edges of those words, that became scenes and dialogue, so that they fit into my book seemlessly. I stayed up late. I kept an open notebook next to my bed with a pen at the ready for those ideas that elluded me during the day. I made myself keep my ass in the chair and made myself write even when it got numb, my daughter came home early from school and when dinner had to get made.( We ate too much frozen pizza last week, I’m not that good!)

I wrote even when I thought I couldn’t and I kept at it when I felt like I was failing, when each word dragged me down the path of self doubt. I struggled against hating my work. I changed the title of my book to What Death has Touched. I rewrote my pitch too. I pushed past the fear of sucking and embarrassing myself in a very public way. I posted on Facebook that I was entering the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest, so I couldn’t quit. And then I hated myself for telling everyone in case I don’t make it past the first round.

If it weren’t for my friend Lisa Koosis setting fire under my ass I would never have done it.  She reminded me about the contest and said she was going to submit and I thought, hmm, maybe I could, too. Then my uncle passed, my daughter had surgery and life got a bit more hectic than anticpated. All those luxurious days I thought I’d have to edit and revise were gone. So I did what it took to reignite my passion, I gave myself an impossible deadline. I uploaded what I had and announced my entry on FB knowing full well the book had to be revised to meet the guidelines. Now I had to do it. There was no turning back. I am not a liar. I told 500 people I was in, dam straight I was going to be!

I double-dog-dared myself and leaned on Lisa for help. I sent her emails filled with self dout and fear. I told her the probability of me losing and then got back to the work at hand. She cheered me on. Each one of these things is a success. I hate when people quote,  ”It’s about the journey not the destination.” Fuck that. It’s both.

It’s about working harder than you ever thought you could to achieve a dream and not quiting. It’s about checking off attainable boxes that drag you the higher goals kicking and sweating. I have a quote posted on my board, it says:

AS ONE PUBLISHED AUTHOR ONCE TOLD ME, “IT’S A WAR OF ATTRICIAN. DO NO ATTRICE!”

So I’m happy to say I did it. Ironically the contest closed before the closing date of January 27, 11:59 PM because 10,000 people had entered (it closed at 10k or 1/28 whichever came first). I didn’t get to upload the last version of my book What Death has Touched, but honestly that doesn’t upset me. I did what I thought was impossible to do. I wrote a book. I rewrote a book and revised it and sweat over it and critiqued it and hated it and loved it and am shopping it. I am one stubborn woman. And today I am not wallowing in my lack of control over what happens to it next, no, today I am working on my next novel because this is who I am. I am a glutton for punishment, I am a writer.

What the hell is holding you back? Get over it!

Dictionary.com’s definition:

suc·cess noun

1.the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts orendeavors; the accomplishment of one’s goals.
2.the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.
3.a performance or achievement that is marked by success, as bythe attainment of honors: The play was an instant success.
4. a person or thing that has had success, as measured byattainment of goals, wealth, etc.: She was a great success on the talkshow.
5.Obsolete , outcome.

Rookie error

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I think I may have made a fatal rookie error in my query.

In my query, I quote an agent who read the first twenty pages of my book (an older draft, including pages I have rewritten, updated and made better)and liked the mother daughter relationship and thought my book was marketable. I use that quote in my query. The agent feedback was part of a Society of Children’s Writers and Illustrators, SCBWI, critique I paid for. The agent did not ask to read the rest of my book.

By including this quote am I shooting myself in the foot? Am I announcing to perspective agents, hey this person liked the relationship but not enough to keep the book away from you. You should pass on it too or you look like a loser who is taking on second best! 

Or am I over reacting? Please advise.

Fracture

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I have so much to say about Megan Miranda‘s debut YA book FRACTURE, I don’t know where to begin. So please excuse a bit of rambling.

I love meeting writers and then reading their work. It’s fascinating to me to see the face, eyes, smile and body language behind the creative force. Plus, those I have met are supportive, and nothing is better than a published author cheering on a writer who is trying to get published.

I met Miranda at the SCBWI Carolina’s event a few weeks back. I wasn’t sure how I would approach her, until I read the cover of FRACTURE. It reads: a lot can happen in eleven minutes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, you probably don’t know that the number 11 is magical in my life. All sorts of good and bad things happen on 11. I’ll give you a few instances so you can get an idea: My house burned down in November (11) got married the first time on 11/4 and divorced on 4/11. My daughter was born on 3/26, add those up=11 at 6:50PM (6+5=11) I look at the clock practically every day at 11:11. You may think I’m reaching, but I’m not 11′s are everywhere in my life. So when I read the tag line, knowing Megan couldn’t have ever known it would mean anything spectacular to me, I had to meet her and ask her why 11. The trick is how to introduce myself and not scare her. :)

The SCBWI Carolina’s Fall Conference had an evening event that allowed everyone to nosh and get books autographed. It was my chance to meet Megan, or so I thought. Megan’s book sold out at the event, I had nothing for her to sign. I walked up to her and saw one book sitting by her and asked if I could have that one, but unfortunately it was Alan Gratz‘s. I was bummed and pulled out my phone and ordered it immediately on amazon.com. Luckily the next morning, during the last event, I was seated in the back of the room, and had to leave for a moment to use the restroom. I pulled a chair out of the row so as not to disturb anyone else. When I returned Megan had taken my place. Opportunity!

I waited for a break in the action and wrote her a note, yes just like I was still in school, and asked if she wrote locally. (I was curious who at the conference was local and a potential critique partner in the future) Then when the speaker was done I asked her about the 11 minute thing and told her how that number was important to me. She got it and then asked me about my book. I gave her my little pitch on LIFE-LIKE and she said it was the kind of thing she liked. I told her my first page was read the night before and she remembered it, in a good way. I liked her. I like her science background, my dad is a chemical engineer, and I like how cool she is.

Fast forward to yesterday. I spent all day reading, which is a serious luxury.  I read FRACTURE. I didn’t want to stop reading FRACTURE. I was mesmerized by the similarities in our story in the first ten pages. We had parallel set ups and relationships between characters. It was fascinating to me, despite the thread of similarities, that we had unique perspectives on best friends who are a boy and a girl, who love each other but can’t figure it out. In both of our stories, friends pull apart and may not recover. A single event changes her protagonist Delany’s life as does an event alter my Liv. Yet, ultimately  LIFE-LIKE and FRACTURE are nothing alike. And that’s the magic of writing. Each writer has their own spin on a story.

Megan’s writing is clean and sharp. Her characters are vivid and the tension builds with the turn of every page. I marvel at how she dropped clues, weaved in danger, pity, lust, and pain. I envy the speed at which she is able to crank out a draft or three. It took her a year to write and rewrite FRACTURE.

So to sum it up, Megan Miranda’s FRACTURE is a must read. Pick it up. Don’t be embarrassed if you are not a teen. Download it to your Kindle or Nook, no one will know what book it is that you can’t put down. I look forward to her next book HYSTERIA, coming out in February 2013. And a fun bit of trivia, she wrote HYSTERIA first, but she didn’t get a deal until she wrote FRACTURE and then sold both. Proving once again, you can’t always know your path to success.

 

 

Quick video clip

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I am a writer. I like being behind the scenes, so excuse the awkwardness of my first vlog. I wanted to try something new.

Click on the Youtube link to see what I did this morning.

http://youtu.be/Ckz1CaekOa4

What have you done that makes you happy?

WriteOnCon

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WriteOnCon, a free writers on-line conference, is about to begin.What are you waiting for? Sign up, I said it’s FREE!!! It is being held next week, August 14-16. Got to: www.writeoncon.com and see the list of amazing writers, agents, editors that are interested in helping all aspiring writers. I’d post the widget, but can’t seem to get it to work…

And here is my two cents for what it’s worth. I think the most important thing is the writing, your writing, my writing and having the best darn thing you can imagine and then some to show. I’ve worked on my manuscript LIFE-LIKE for years. My goal is to find an agent and get my story on every bookshelf possible. But publishing is not the end goal of every person.
People love writing and write for themselves and the joy and pain it brings to them. It is a way to express oneself and it so satisfying to fill a blank page with thoughts, words and emotion. Conferences can help answer questions on style, technique, voice, critique partners, pitching, recommending books to read, social media, and craft. If you are searching for assistance with any of this come look at WriteOnCon. Keep in mind too, that many universities near and around you offer writing classes. If you can’t make a face to face class, see if they offer on-line classes, many do and you should also look into Media Bistro.
I stayed away from conferences until I had something that I am proud of and am ready to take the rejection and support a conference can offer. By restricting myself from getting lost in the business of writing I gave myself a great deal of time to focus on my story.
I wish all the other writers out there good luck with their stories and process. See you on-line at WriteOnCon 2012 all this week.

Beth Revis is in the house!

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I met Beth Revis last year at the SCBWI Carolinas Fall Conference. I was lucky enough to sit next to her during lunch and find out how freaking cool she was and talk about all things sci-fi. She was honest about her path from aspiring writer to N.Y. Times Bestselling author. And she too inspired me to continue on my path.I am excited to share my interview with her.

Her bio: Beth Revis is the author of the NY Times Bestselling Across the Universe series, published by Razorbill/Penguin in the US and available in 17 countries. The first book in the trilogy, Across the Universe, is a “cunningly executed thriller” according to Booklist, and the second book, A Million Suns, was hailed by the LA Times as “a fast-paced, action-packed follow-up.” The final book of the trilogy, Shades of Earth, will be released in early 2013.

A former teacher, Beth lives in rural North Carolina with her husband and dog. Her goals include travelling around the world in 80 days, exploring the moon, and finding Narnia.

1.  What does your desk look like?

My desk is so cluttered that the Leaning Tower of Pisa looks like a perfectly stable structure in comparison. I have a stack of books as tall as my computer screen, dozens of notebooks, empty peppermint wrappers, and more pens than I can count. I am not at all an organized person!

2. Do you write at your desk?

I write at my desk about 30% of the time. Another 30% on my couch, and another 30% at the local coffee shop. If I get stuck on writing, I tend to just move my location–that really helps me refocus. (And for the math nerds, the remaining 10% of writing time is probably done at my kitchen table, when I’m revising and like to have the room to spread out.)

3. Have you always been a panster?

I’ve tried outlining once before–but by making the outline, I discovered I no longer cared about the plot and never completed the book. I’ve been a pantser since then. That said, though, I’m working on a new novel that is very intricate and detailed, and I think I’ll be outlining for the first time in nearly a decade to complete it.

4. How long did it take you to trust your own inner voice when getting critiqued?

I think my problem was more that I trusted my own inner voice much too much. During my first critiques, if someone didn’t “get” what I’d written, I blamed the critiquer, not my writing. It took me a while to learn that I needed to change my writing to make it more accessible and clear.

5. How much editing did your publisher do on your debute novel Across the Universe?

Surprisingly, Across the Universe didn’t need much editing. Which isn’t to say that it didn’t need any! I still had an edit letter, line edits, and copy edits. But compared to the editing I’ve done for the sequels, A Million Suns and Shades of Earth, the editing for the first book was a cake walk.

6. How excited are you about the paperback artwork for Across the Universe?

I love it! I think it’s awesome that my publisher explores different artwork and different ways to express the mood of the book.

7. Did you know where the story was headed before you started A Million Suns or was it another panster book?

I knew vaguely where the story was headed. Even though I’m a pantser, I definitely always know an idea of what the end of the book will be.

Want to know more about Beth Revis, her writing and her book tour? Go to : www.betherevis.com

Check out her June 7, 2012 post about a writing experiment and tell me what you think.

Alice Ratterree is the winner of the 2012 SCBWI Carolinas Art & Writing Contest

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My Southern Living blog tour continues with an interview with Alice Ratterree. I met her at the 2011 SCBWI Carolinas event. She heard me speak up at a breakout session about how my blog deals with two completely different topics, writing and infertility. And although in my mind they are both struggles, at the time, I wasn’t so sure readers would want to follow along. She approached me regarding secondary infertilty and after I spoke with her I looked her art work and immediately I knew she was amazing.

I’ve had her postcard pinned up next to my desk since.

Her illustrations capture the many changebale moods of children. From mischieviousness, frustration, fear, curiosity, joy to rest. They are magical. Her character’s eyes are honest in a way that makes you keep looking into them and wondering, whose eyes are these?

Her images make you want to read and share stories. I was thrilled to learn that she won the 2012 SCBWI Carolinas Art & Writing Contest. I had already sent her my interview questions and felt for a brief moment  that I recognized her talent before they did. I am excited to share her work and insights on illustrating with you.

Without further ado, I give you Alice Ratterree

1. What does your desk look like and how much of the time do you work there?

I work from home in an area that can best be described as a sunroom – a long, narrow space that runs beside our living room and has one wall filled with divided light windows, under which my desk runs. I love those windows! This tiny little room is truly what sold me when we were house hunting. When I sit at my desk, I can look out into the outdoors and see sky and green. Oddly enough, the walls are not covered with art or prints, and there are no bulletin boards overflowing with tacked images for inspiration, which I sort of envisioned when embarking the life as an illustrator initially. I’ve found rather that I like having a clean slate around me, so keeping clutter to a bare minimum is a constant goal of mine, fighting back any post-its or stray items (although I’m not always very successful at this!) Access to the office is open, so while I cannot close a door and escape into “Bookland” entirely, it does provide sufficient seclusion for me right now, given there are still little people in the house.

As for the amount of time that I spend there, it really depends on what phase of the illustration process I’m in. I rarely draw at this desk, as there is only enough room for the digital stage of my work. When hand drawing, I have a dreamy drafting table that lives in our spare bedroom, which is ideal. But really, I like to move around the various rooms within our home during this phase of the work. There have been equal successes at the kitchen and dining room tables, in my bedroom, my children’s bedrooms…it depends on the time of day, the light….and yes, the children. As a woman trying to do the balancing act of motherhood and illustration, mobility is a valuable thing! This year I moved from a desktop to a laptop, and recently multi-tasked a few hours of color work while in my son’s room surrounded by Legos! That said, I still believe in one central place where it all comes together…headquarters, so to speak. So I mostly keep the laptop connected to a monitor like a traditional desktop setup, when at home, and make sure that all pieces make their way back to the office in the end.

2. Please describe the process you go through when working on an illustration.

It can be summed up into four stages: brainstorm/research, draw, scan and color. Each phase gets progressively easier and enjoyable!

After chewing on an idea in my brain for a few days (or a few hours, depending on the turn around time and how much the creative juices are flowing), I usually begin by laying out a rough idea that consists of groups of circles and arcs representing the general layout of figures, objects and (most importantly) the energy of the composition. If there are any difficult poses, gestures, or animals I’m not entirely comfortable with, then I’ll research images and do some practice sketching.

The next phase is about creating a clean and finished hand drawing in just pencil or pen (no color). The way I achieve a final drawing is somewhat backwards and maybe a bit unorthodox. First of all, I’m not a fan of multiple separate drafts. The paper I start with is usually the paper I finish with, like a sculpture that keeps emerging. Secondly, I like to work from the inside out as opposed to outside in, starting with the innermost point of where the emotional action takes place – eyes and face of the central character. Everything else orbits this focal point, and is created in respect to that relationship. Sometimes I end up with several sheets of paper taped together to make it all balance and work out! Because it all becomes digital eventually, taped edges and stray sketch lines get cleaned up in Photoshop.

Scanning: sounds simple enough, but it can be very time-consuming making your drawing digital! I draw big, so I have to scan in pieces then spit them out into layers in Photoshop. To align the layers up correctly, the opacity of the top layer is decreased and then rotated to fit perfectly over the layer underneath. I gently erase the hard edges of each scan and then merge everything into one document. A final clean up might be needed to get rid of stray paper imperfections, marks and levels.

Now the fun begins – coloring! Staying in Photoshop, I maintain the purity of the original scan by adding a layer underneath and above, and set the middle layer (the scanned drawing) to multiply. Almost all the “paint” color is added to the bottom layer. With the paint bucket tool I cover the entire bottom layer in a sepia tone that I create. White is dreadful to work on! The sepia color provides such a strong, warm middle ground to add darks and lights. It gives unity to the colors in final image, even if there is not much sepia seen in the end. The layer above the scan is used only for adding highlights or shadows, and strengthening intensity of color.

I believe in always evolving and modifying process based on what the story dictates, and as you develop as an artist, so ask me the same question in a year or two and it may be entirely different! This particular process was inspired by Nicolas Fructus, who was featured in a gem of a book, Illustrations With Photoshop: A Designer’s Notebook (O’Reilly Media) and you can read more about it on my blog on Process. (http://www.aliceink.com/?p=28)

3. Do you have a favorite character that you have created? If so what makes it your favorite? 

My first love is illustrating characters I haven’t created! There’s a distinct magic in collaboration, a thrill in bringing something new to a character that someone else has created, whether it be contemporary or one that has already been loved by generations of readers. This year we were asked to illustrate the first paragraph of Alice’ Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll for the SCBWI Carolinas Annual Art & Writing Contest. I absolutely adored getting lost in the possibilities of creating an Alice, a White Rabbit, and Alice’s sister, all whom I’ve known my entire life!

This is her winning submission of Alice in Wonderland.

But I often dabble with Illustration Friday (http://www.illustrationfriday.com/) a weekly illustration challenge, and this venue has allowed me to venture out into practicing with new characters that are uniquely my own. The image below is for an IF challenge in which the word prompt was “Launch.” This boy makes me happy because he is all mine, and I feel like he has a story, I just haven’t written it yet.

4. Were you a doodler when you were a kid?

I’ve been told that as a toddler I approached just about everything as a blank canvas, from walls to furniture, and even my own body! My notes in high school were always covered in doodles along the margins. I’m sure I didn’t appear attentive, but it was truly the only way I could listen and remember things!

5. What inspired you to be an illustrator?

Two things are necessary to catapult you into a career: the seed of passion and someone to guide you and give you a boost. Let me start with my boost. My boost was attending a lecture on children’s book writing and illustration at the local museum. Well actually, the boost came from who I met there. At the time, I was just thinking about switching careers towards children’s book illustration and had absolutely no idea what I was doing, and therefore had no idea what I would be hearing or if it was even worth the money to hire the babysitter to get out of the house and go. Let me just say it was. The illustrator speaking that evening was Bonnie Adamson, Assistant Regional Advisor for  for SCBWI (Society for Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators) Carolinas (http://www.scbwicarolinas.org/) . Upon seeing her images during the lecture, I was immediately moved by the graceful soft lines, the use of color and space, and her ability to balance nostalgia with humor. Everything about her and her work resonated kindred with me, and so it felt completely natural to me to just approach her after the event and tackle her with the question, “How do I do what you do?” She said, “First join SCBWI” I went home that night (paying the sitter more than I needed to because it was WORTH it) and joined. For anyone who is not familiar with SCBWI, it is the premier hub of the publishing industry for young audiences. Here’s the link to their founding story and what they do. (http://www.scbwi.org/Pages.aspx/Who-We-Are—What-We-Do) Bonnie has since become a friend and mentor, the one opened that first door, and she’s still opening doors!

My education and background lies primarily in music and the theatre. I trained as a classical singer with studies in opera, oratorio and musical theatre. The seed that fuels that passion is the same seed that inspires me to illustrate. Both crafts are about delivering a story in a beautiful way to a captive audience. I spent a brief time working with The South Carolina Children’s Theatre (http://www.scchildrenstheatre.org/) working in just about every aspect from scenic and costume design to stage and musical direction. While there, I found myself creating oodles of drawings of these charming stories and characters for production purposes. Illustrating for children’s books was just a natural progression that came out of my love for music, art and theatre. I still approach all my compositions like a scene on stage with three distinct spaces: upstage, center stage and downstage.

6. Do you have a sketchpad?

My large sketchpad holds my drawing paper. I pull out individual sheets for projects I’m working on, but I’m still trying to find a way for a small and portable traditional sketchpad or sketchbook to fit into my life! I buy dozens of them, different sizes and colors, with different kids of paper inside. They might have a few doodles in them, but they’re mostly spending lots of lonely time on the shelf. Sketchbooks just feel so constricting to me. My office is therefore littered with stacks of single sheets of paper or even scraps of paper where ideas come to fruition. Maybe I’ll just get these bound one day and call that my sketchpad!

7. What programs do you illustrate with?

I always start the old-fashioned way: just pencil and paper. I use Adobe Illustrator as a means for tracing drawings if I want them in vector format, and Photoshop to add color to the scans for a more traditional, softer look.

8. How does being southern influence your work?

I’m not sure that I can be objective enough to see the southern influences in my work. I’m sure that they are there, since after all, we write what we know and draw what we see. My husband and I own primarily early American southern furniture and these work their way into my drawings because they are right there in front of me. Here’s an example. In this image, the chair behind Greycie is an old cane chair that had been handed down to us from my husband’s family.

But nevertheless, I still didn’t see this girl as southern – rather in more of an eclectic New England attic (I’ve spent some time living in Boston, too) In the end, I hope that I can be more influenced by the story, and have the skills to travel outside the boundaries of where I live in order to create a powerful illustration.

2011 is over, that went fast…

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How is it December 29, 2011? Where did this year go? I’m not quite sure. But as I slow down and think about it it’s been an eventful one for me. Let me make a list of stuff that happened. The order is random. (lists are always popular at the end of the year.) Please feel free to add your own things done, accomplished, not completed, started, thought about etc.

1. Started the year still TTC my second child.

2. Tried IUI.

3. Gave into my reality and stopped TTC.

4. Blogged regularly.

5. Zumba’d my ass off 2x/ week.

6. Finished the first draft of my novel Life-like.

7. Had 2 short stories published by moonShine review. (http://moonshinereview.wordpress.com/)

8. Had an essay published at More.com. (http://www.more.com/i-dont-want-buy-tampons-i-want-be-pregnant)

9. Attended the Carolina’s SCWBI. (http://www.scbwi.org//) Met amazing agents, writers and illustrators.

10. Cut my hair off.

11. Moved into a new home.

12. Made some fantastic new friends.

13. Adopted a pet kitten. (who REFUSES to be litter box trained more on that later).

14. Performed in Expressing Motherhood. (http://www.expressingmotherhood.com/January__11_Los_Angeles.html)

15. Read a book per week.

16. Tried a new recipe per month. (I dread the question what’s for dinner and got inspired to try new things)

17. Loved my family with all that I have.

18. Enjoyed the support of my readers and followers. Thanks so much!

I’m sure I did more but I can’t at this very moment think of what. I’m feeling pretty good about it all. Life is incredible! Thanks for reading. Happy New Year.

 

Holiday Neurosis

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I have been avoiding you. Nothing personal, it’s just I’ve had so many thoughts running through my head I needed time to sort them. I also wanted to be able to wrap them up in a funny package, but trying to write funny is disastrous. Instead I’ll confess to the things that have been keeping me up at night and hopefully they won’t be too jumbled for you because honestly this is how my mind works…

 

  1. I cut my hair short. It’s in a really cute 1920’s bob with bangs. I cut about 8 inches in length. I was excited about it at the hair salon, but since living with my husband’s less than happy reaction to it, I feel ugly.  I told him before I did it. He warned me about how he would react to short hair. He doesn’t like it. I didn’t think I’d care, but three weeks since the cut, the look he gives me when he sees my hair is starting to stab at my heart.
  2. I was 5 days late. I thought I was over all that baby making crap. And then a speck of disbelief then hope crept into me and blossomed then was squashed when my period showed up on day 31.  Flow had been starting on day 26. WTF! I can’t quite sort our how I feel about it. But these are the neurotic thoughts I had while contemplating being pregnant:
    1. How much longer would I be able to work out? Since I had 2 miscarriages I imagined asking my Zumba instructor how long she’d recommend that I do it? Could I do it less? Could I keep doing it since I’ve been at it 2x per week for 8 months? If I were pregnant who would I tell? Would I keep it a secret? Who would I ask for a recommendation for an OBGYN? When would the baby be due? Would I make my 25th HS reunion? Would I want to go 9 months pregnant? I would rather show up now, all thin and fit than large and pregnant. People in my class have kids in high school themselves, and I’d be there just starting my family. What would that be like? Would I keep the secret and tell my husband as his Hanukkah present? He keeps talking about not having to go through having a vasectomy since I am apparently infertile. And then that rubs me the wrong way because the most useless question pops up- why me? And if I were pregnant I’d have to finish my rewrites on Life-like and get an agent ASAP because pregnant brain and I aren’t very productive. I wish I could get out of bed in the middle of the night and write when my head is spinning uselessly like this because what’s the point of being awake if I’m not being productive? And what’s the point of being awake when my little girl is finally asleep? And why on earth has her sleep gotten so bad? When will she sleep through the night again? If I have a baby I won’t have any sleep. M y schedule will be at the infants’ beck and call. Am I ready to go back to that when I just achieved some personal time aka freedom? What will I do about our new kitten if I am pregnant? She refuses to be litter box trained and there is no way any child of mine is going to crawl around on a floor that may have a surprise puddle or poop.
    2. My 43rd birthday is one month away. I love birthdays. I think everyone should celebrate birthdays for at least one whole week.  But something about this number is freaking me out. 43! SHIT THAT’S A GROWN UP AGE. I’d better get going on my book.  I promised my husband I’d let go of the baby things in the attic in January. And two months ago I was ready to do it. I should have done it then. This week the idea of it makes me cry. Maybe I should cry. Let it out. Why do I feel the need to be strong when no one is around? What would tears do for me? Nothing. Or would it be sweet relief? Either way, he needs to back off. Not like he’s neat and not like the stuff is anyone’s way. So there! :P PPPP
    3. The first draft of life-Like, my Young Adult novel, is a bit rougher than I thought. My middle chapters have to be completely rewritten because I had lost my way there in my first draft. It’s taking longer than I’d like.
    4. I also have an essay I’d like to write. It’s kind of out there. I want to write about how I wish I could masturbate like a man. Or rather its about how I am jealous of men’s ability to turn on the internet and get off.  I may write it as a short story though. I could have more fun with it if I fictionalize a few things.

 

See what I mean these are totally random thoughts bouncing off the walls of my mind.

 

And then the good stuff. I’ve hidden my daughter’s first night of Hanukkah present in the house. My parents used to hide our gifts and it was so much fun searching for them. I thought at 3 ½ she’d enjoy it too.  It’s not exactly hard to find I’ll get sneaky when she’s older.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! Hope your mind isn’t keeping you from enjoying the holidays!