Mayday

I remember watching movies and hearing, “Mayday, mayday!” as an actor clutched a handset yelling for help into the great unknown.

This May has been a whirlwind. I’ve been working hard on the Charlotte Leukemia Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) Man of the Year campaign. We were tapped to participate a handful of days prior to kickoff and we are a team of 2 competing against others who are fundraising for the LLS. Other people have teams of ten or more and planned events for months, which is very impressive. But I got to tell you…I’m exhausted. I think I could have been a professional fundraiser if I wasn’t a writer, it employs many of the same specialities as film and television production- tenacity and not taking no for an answer. But it hasn’t left me much mind space for writing.

Until now. We’re at the home stretch. Tomorrow we are hosting a wine tasting, next Saturday, May 18 is the LLS Gala and then (hands flew up over my head) I’m done. My creative mind knows it will have my full attention. It’s bubbling with story ideas and plot points for TWO stories. I can’t believe it. I have two more book ideas in mind. I’m so excited! I can’t believe I can write more than one book.

And then another thought creeps into my mind. Mother’s Day. In my household I have a simple request. My husband has to take over Mommy duties for the day. I don’t want overpriced flowers- get them for me all year not on one day- I don’t want an expensive brunch. I want him to make the coffee, challah french toast, cook and clean, go to the grocery store and do the laundry including taking it out of the drier and folding it! I want him to be reminded of how hard it is to do it all. And I am happy to say, he does it.

But then I think about my struggle to have another child and remember there are women in our world who haven’t been able to fulfill their desire to have a family. I imagine Mother’s Day is hard for them. My heart breaks knowing a little bit of how they feel.

And now the story of the three girls and their child held captive comes out. I can’t wrap my brain around the horror they survived. The pain and grief their captivity caused their mother’s and families. I am thankful they are once again with their families. But I for one will be chaperoning my daughter for a long long long long long time.

And this is why I am calling, “Mayday!” There is so much good and bad, happy and sad going on this month. I am torn, elated, pushed and pulled, and I want to pause and take a breath. Hope this month has been a good one for you.

 

One week ago tomorrow, I sent my first query and submission to an agent.  Want to know what I’ve been doing since then? Recuperating. Seriously, I have. Once I committed to releasing LIFE-LIKE into the inbox narcolepsy took control. I could barely keep my eyes open an hour after.

I have similar fits of sleepiness when I write scenes that challenge me. I almost always lay down in bed, the Sand Man busy dumping bushels of narcoleptic toxins over me. I always lay down with a pen and notebook by my side, knowing my subconscious will do wonders and help me. I nearly always have a breakthrough as sleep attempts to overtake me. I scribble notes across the blank sketchbook page and trust there will be something to work with when I wake up later.

But this is different. This is me with no control. It’s back to that taste and timing thing I mentioned a few weeks ago. Man, was that easier to say when years of work were still safe and sound, in my computer and under my control.

I know I should get cracking on the next book. I know what I’m going to write about. I even have a bit of an outline. But I can’t do it. I don’t know if I’m waiting for my first no to kick-start me. I hope not. I pray for a yes, but understand the statistical rarity. How many writers are repped by the first agent they query? Anyone want to chime in there?

I’ve built a spreadsheet. I pulled out my film producer hat and created order for my querying process. The header includes: date submitted, agent name, email, agent preferences, authors the agent reps, submission guidelines, and the name of a person I know who knows them (if they gave me approval to use their name). I see if they represent something a little too close to mine, and make sure I don’t query those who wouldn’t like my style or high concept.

I try to remember, during the SCBWI Carolina’s conference September 28-30 2012, Susan Chung,  editor at Tor Books, would have kept reading my book after hearing the 200 words read aloud. And agent Anna Olswanger, Liza Dawson Associates said, “The  writing flows and the dialogue is snappy. the high school setting is believable, as are the characters, and I ike Liv’s moment of vulnerability when Billy says, “I’m not with her”…” Ms. Olswanger went on to say,” I think this will be marketable. It has a believable teen setting with ghost story and romance, and it shows a girl and her mother who love each other, which is refreshing in YA literature.” That feedback is valuable.

I dont’ think it’s right to tell you who I submitted to. I will once the three week exclusive they requested is over. I respect them and honestly don’t want to risk upsetting them or muck up my chances with them. My hands and armpits start to sweat when I think about them reading or not reading my work. I will have to turn my focus toward Halloween. I love Halloween. Then I’ll start the first draft of my next book, title TBD.

Please, cross your fingers and say a little prayer for -LIFE-LIKE finding an agent and publisher soon. Thanks!

 

Week 18: The Next Big Thing Blog Hop

I’m excited to be part of the Next Big Thing blog hop. I was tagged by a wonderful writer, Lisa Koosis, Who answered the same ten questions on her own blog, writingonthinice.blogspot.com, last Wednesday.

What is the working title of your book? LIFE-LIKE
Where did the idea come from for the book? The story originated from an essay about loss. I had a miscarriage and couldn’t deal with writing about real life so my mentor at the time Rachel Resnick suggested I write fiction. The original first draft was a short story was about a dimension jumping dragon who haunts a little girl and ultimately falls in love with her and tries to be born as her baby but dies.  After a year of working on the story , and many changes, there is no dragon,and the story became about Liv.
What genre does your book fall under? Young Adult, high concept the rest is up for grabs. Spritiual, paranormal, or magical realism.
Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition? This is easy, I’ve been thinking about this for a while:

Liv: Olivia Thirlby

Maude: Rachel Weisz

Robert: Ian Somerhalder

Mary: Blake Lively

English: Blake Lively at the 2011 Time 100 gala. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Charlie: Emile Hirsch

Emile Hirsch at the premiere of Speed Racer at the 2008 Tribeca Film Festival. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book? This is where I fall apart- sorry. Here are a few short sentences: Liv is dead.  She just doesn’t know it.  And she will have to relive the eighteenth of December again and again to figure it out.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency? I’m querying agents now.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? Once I figured out the story it took one year to have a complete first draft.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre? BEFORE I FALL by Lauren Oliver and ELSEWHERE by Gabrielle Zevin.
Who or What inspired you to write this book? The compulsion is all mine.
What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest? That’s a loaded question. I hope readers identify with Liv and like the writing. If you want to know more- here you go:

Liv wakes up Tuesday, December eighteenth believing the worst part of her day will be midterms. She has no idea in a few short hours she and her mother will be obliterated by an oncoming car in front of her high school. Liv mistakenly turns away from heaven’s light and lands in a self-constructed limbo where she is forced to relive the last day or her life and death over and over again.

Liv’s mother, Maude, a flighty artist in life, regrets her selfish parenting style and enters Liv’s limbo hoping save her. Unfortunately, Maude begins decomposing.

As Liv seeks a solution to her outrageous dilemma, she encounters a dead girl with a distinct drinking problem, a Goth tarot reader who reads Liv’s future with uncanny accuracy, a stalker who turns out to be the instrument of Liv’s death, a conspiracy of ravens who are actually angels, and a dead man who has come for her mother.

Liv’s attempts to change events of the day don’t save anyone, and Liv must move on or risk suffering a horrible eternal afterlife.

Tagged for next week – you’re it!

Kimberely Griffiths Little www.kimberleygriffithslittle.com

Amy E. Robertson www.amyiswriting.com

Ann Eisentein http://www.anneisenstein.com

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Mom,

I want to tell you how much I love you. I know you prefer personal matters to remain private. But this year I want to shout it from the rooftop how amazing I think you are. So please, pull up your desk chair and slip on your reading glasses and get comfortable.

Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for giving me the space to express myself. Thank you for letting me get it off my chest when you didn’t want to hear it.  Thank you for supporting me and my style as a child. Thank you for supporting me through tough emotional times. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for sitting quietly with me. Thank you for playing golf with me. Thank you for dancing in the living room with me. Thank you for a wicked sense of humor.

I want you to know that I see you too.

I appreciate your creativity. I appreciate your wisdom. I appreciate your talent. I think you should show the world more of it, and so here it is, something you painted for me that I wish to share with the world.

I appreciate your heart. I appreciate our relationship. I appreciate your love of fast cars, convertibles and motorcycles. I appreciate your need for privacy, even though I don’t always go along with it. I appreciate your style. I appreciate the friendships you have. I appreciate your generous heart. I appreciate your teenage-spirit and ideas about love. I appreciate your ability to lighten up the room. I appreciate that we can speak the truth even when it hurts without being defensive. I appreciate your clothes. I appreciate your sparkly things. I appreciate your need for space. I appreciate your feelings about being the new matriarch of the family. I appreciate the love you have for your grandchildren. I appreciate your passion for art. I appreciate your taste in fine dining. I appreciate the fact you don’t enjoy cooking. I appreciate that you make it easy to come home. I appreciate your hugs. I appreciate your kisses. I appreciate your tears. I appreciate that you are a survivor. I appreciate the way your mouth moves when you speak. I appreciate your eyebrows. I appreciate your skinny legs and blonde hair. I appreciate your creativity. I appreciate your dramatic flair. I appreciate your sense of fashion. I appreciate your decorating style. I appreciate your intuition. I appreciate your need to live near the ocean. I appreciate your hugs. I appreciate your gifts. I appreciate the look you used to give me when you thought I did something bad. I appreciate how your raised me. I appreciate how you let me go. I appreciate how you are always there. I appreciate how you love me.

I love you, too. Always.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sisters

My little girl wants some sisters. She tells me about her big sister who is 14. Her sister is naughty. She pushes my girl and doesn’t listen to mommy. Her sister also sings songs with her and plays with her. Some days my girl has a brother too, but not as often. She calls her cousins her brothers and sisters. My girl really has a one track mind.

This weekend she asked me to open my mouth so she could look inside.

“What are you looking for?” I asked.

“I’m looking for a baby in your tummy,” she said.

I thought the sentiment was adorable. In the meantime, I sold her stroller and pack and play. I threw out her BPA free bottles. Got rid of her expensive cloth diapers that I used to wipe up all her spit up and whatnot, got rid of her receiving blankets, and her first wood blocks. I am successfully and slowly purging baby thoughts and dreams. My daughter — not so much. She wants a sibling. When I try to explain that I can’t have another baby, her four-year-old mind goes to work processing.

“It’s okay Mommy. Try. I want a sister.”

I think my girl would find adjusting to an infant painful at best. She doesn’t like to share me with anyone. But I like her chutzpah.

For now though, I am working hard on putting baby dreams to rest. Time to focus on another dream. My book. I have a goal. To finish this draft, polish it, and get my YA novel LIFE-LIKE out into agents hands by the end of August. I hope to get my girl on board with this. I think it would be a cool incentive to have her ask if my book is ready yet instead of asking for a sister. Think it’ll work?

 

Snookie’s baby

Why on earth is the denied rumor that Snookie is pregnant news? Why was it on Yahoo!‘s home page Wednesday? Why does it matter that a young, MTV reality celebri-wanna-be got drunk again and possibly pregnant?

The so-called news tweaks my infertility nerve. First off my thoughts are, shit, another person who can when I can’t. Then I think, shit, this girl who got famous for being a drunk guidette is going to be a mother. Yahoo! went on to say she’s denying pregnancy rumors so she can make more money with her story and become the next Kardashian-like celebrity star. Someone shoot me now.  I think the Kardashian’s are brilliant at making money. But I wish this period of train wreck celebrity would die already.

I bet MTV is trying to think of a way to link her pregnancy in with their Teen Mom shows. Maybe she’ll goto a teen mom’s house for a day, and take care of the kid, and we can all see how she can change a diaper and deal with a crying child for hours on end. THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!

Will people like this be our children’s role models? They will learn, get a video camera and do whatever you need to get attention. It doesn’t matter if you debase yourself or demoralize yourself, as long as you make money.

That’s not to say I didn’t have my share of embarrassing and drunk moments earlier in life. I did. I was embarrassed by them the day after. And there was no publicizing them back in the 80′s-90′s, thank goodness.

When did societal tastes in entertainment go so far down the toilet? Or is low-budget reality TV the spectator sport of the century? Perhaps it’s not so different from Roman’s watching gladiators battle each other and wild animals to the death.

One thing is for sure though. I’m jealous that a girl who got famous for getting drunk and fighting publically with a strange hair lump on the top of her head gets paid tens of thousands (if not more) dollars to continue that behavior, has the nerve to have a baby when so many women who are trying to conceive cannot.

My grandmother was right. She told me, “If you want to get pregnant go out, get drunk and do it like teenagers.” If it were only that simple.

Here’s to all of us who wanted a child and went about it in the traditional way. We fell in love, got married and tried to conceive. I wish you success!

5 Days Late

I was five days late. Went out and bought a pregnancy test. Negative. Period showed up 7 hours later today. For a minute there I thought I was about to receive a Christmas miracle. Funny how hope can show up and make my heart race. Oh well. At least now I can drink some red wine to relieve my cramps.

False Alarm

Even though we are no longer trying to have a baby it seems my body is still practicing for pregnancy. And believe me when I tell you, it’s annoying! How can I maintain a level head when my hormones fuck with me?

Let me explain what I’m talking about. On or about day 16 of my cycle this month my breasts began swelling and got tender. The kind of tenderness that makes a tee-shirt feel like an iron maiden and hugs torturous. They began to bulge out the top of my bra and made exercising painful.

This past month, I also had two weeks of nausea. My stomach was so queasy that I was bent over the toilet while tears filled my eyes. I whispered prayers for the nausea to pass and begged for whatever was making me ill to please get out. I ate half a sleeve of Saltines, four Tums, two charcoal tablets and digestive enzymes before I could sit without wanting to hurl. Once the wave of nausea passed I was starving! Did I mention the acne?

Then there was the bloating. My belly swelled. No matter how hard I exercised I felt fat. My scale said I gained one pound but it felt much more like five. And five pounds on me is a big difference. A few friends thought I might be pregnant. I told them it would be a miracle.

“Miracles happen,” J told me. This got me thinking, maybe they do. Could one have happened to us?

My mother thinks I’ll be pregnant by the end of the year. She also thought I’d be pregnant by the end of the summer. She also wants me to stop obsessing. Ironic no?

So there I was, a mere few weeks ago, declaring how comfortable I was with my family, my reality and at peace with my secondary infertility when I felt the pang of hope that I could be pregnant. I had two pregnancy tests under the sink. I thought better to use them so they don’t go to waste. Better to get rid of them so they don’t haunt me.  So I peed on a stick 5 days out.

NEGATIVE. Well it is early.

Day 25. Heartburn was added to my symptoms. Might as well try the other one.

NEGATIVE. Well it’s still early and I’ve had a false negative before.

Day 26. I get my period.

Day 29 My period is LIGHT. For all my bloating and PMS I should be bleeding like a sieve. My boobs shouldn’t hurt any more. I should have peed out most of my bloating. But none of the above is happening. WTF?

My unconscious mind is clearly fucking with me and I’d like to give it a time out. Because feeling all of these symptoms sucks, especially since there is no pay off.

Anyone else suffer like this? What’s the point of it all? Should I go back on the pill to settle my hormones back down?

SCBWI

Hi there. Sorry I’ve been quiet. I am overloaded with the stress of trying to get a mortgage. If I could articulate what I’ve been through without saying fuck every other word I would, but that is not possible. So instead I’ll spread good news.

The Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators is having a conference in Charlotte this weekend and I’ll be there. Looking forward to meeting the talent and learning more about the publishing industry. If you’re curious too, check out:

http://www.scbwi.org/Regional-Chapters.aspx?R=12&sec=Events&g=1334

Please click on the fiction excerpts tab above to read some of my work and editors beware, typos and grammatical errors do exist on this page. I’ll hire you soon enough to help me.

Here is my latest synopsis of Life-like, it’s a work in progress hope you enjoy.

 

Synopsis Life-like:

Seventeen-year-old Olivia Rosen doesn’t realize she’s dead, trapped in limbo and reliving the last day of her life and death over and over. Her mother Maude crash lands in her daughters limbo hoping to save her but instead decomposes in front of her eyes.  In a futile attempt to save her mother from the fate of being the walking dead Olivia sets out on a journey to save her mother. Along the way she realizes her best friend in life should have been her boyfriend and the eccentric group of undead tormenting her are actually trying to help her reach heaven.

Readabout Olivia and Billy’s first kiss: click on the excerpt tab above.

Encuentros

I’ve had the hankering for a new tattoo lately. This will not please my mother for sure. She doesn’t understand ink. She thinks if I want something to keep forever I should get a painting of it not brand my body. I’m pretty sure my dad feels the same way.

That being said, I still have that itch. But the image has to be personal. My two other tattoos are images that are significant to me. The first one I got is a small iris on my toe. Irises are my favorite flower. It was my first tattoo so I thought I’d start small. The next one I got is a tramp stamp (they weren’t called that yet in 1998 when I go mine, that I’m aware of). It’s a bright blue dragonfly that I drew and the tattoo artist transferred. Again, I love dragonflies . To me they are a symbol of growth and change which summarizes my philosophy on life.

This next one I want has a different significance to me. The concept is being connected to a soul. I couldn’t think of an image or word in English that encapsulates the emotion I wanted to represent. The Spanish word encuentros does it though. It means “we meet” or “we found”. To me it represents the connection I have with the baby I cannot have and the one I miscarried.

I haven’t decided on how to write the word. Part of me wants it to be written in a circle to represent an infinite connection (for me a soul connection). And part of me thinks the word should be half of a heart with the other half lined in. I have no idea where I would place it on my body because I like my ink discreet.

In the meantime, I’ll draw it and hang it on my wall like my mother prefers, until I’m sure I can’t live without it. Then I’ll figure out where.