Mayday

I remember watching movies and hearing, “Mayday, mayday!” as an actor clutched a handset yelling for help into the great unknown.

This May has been a whirlwind. I’ve been working hard on the Charlotte Leukemia Lymphoma Society’s (LLS) Man of the Year campaign. We were tapped to participate a handful of days prior to kickoff and we are a team of 2 competing against others who are fundraising for the LLS. Other people have teams of ten or more and planned events for months, which is very impressive. But I got to tell you…I’m exhausted. I think I could have been a professional fundraiser if I wasn’t a writer, it employs many of the same specialities as film and television production- tenacity and not taking no for an answer. But it hasn’t left me much mind space for writing.

Until now. We’re at the home stretch. Tomorrow we are hosting a wine tasting, next Saturday, May 18 is the LLS Gala and then (hands flew up over my head) I’m done. My creative mind knows it will have my full attention. It’s bubbling with story ideas and plot points for TWO stories. I can’t believe it. I have two more book ideas in mind. I’m so excited! I can’t believe I can write more than one book.

And then another thought creeps into my mind. Mother’s Day. In my household I have a simple request. My husband has to take over Mommy duties for the day. I don’t want overpriced flowers- get them for me all year not on one day- I don’t want an expensive brunch. I want him to make the coffee, challah french toast, cook and clean, go to the grocery store and do the laundry including taking it out of the drier and folding it! I want him to be reminded of how hard it is to do it all. And I am happy to say, he does it.

But then I think about my struggle to have another child and remember there are women in our world who haven’t been able to fulfill their desire to have a family. I imagine Mother’s Day is hard for them. My heart breaks knowing a little bit of how they feel.

And now the story of the three girls and their child held captive comes out. I can’t wrap my brain around the horror they survived. The pain and grief their captivity caused their mother’s and families. I am thankful they are once again with their families. But I for one will be chaperoning my daughter for a long long long long long time.

And this is why I am calling, “Mayday!” There is so much good and bad, happy and sad going on this month. I am torn, elated, pushed and pulled, and I want to pause and take a breath. Hope this month has been a good one for you.

 

Forwarding the blog post: I am Adam Lanza’s Mother

With so much debate about things I have the need to talk about people. I can’t fathom the grief in Newtown. I don’t want to. I cried when I brought my little girl to preschool this morning. My apprehension and fear to drop her off at school surprised me. I didn’t want to get out of the car. I turned around and saw her buckled into her car seat, a big smile on her face, a birthday gift for her friend on her lap, she was the picture of innocence. I didn’t want to alarm her, I didn’t want my fear to infect her. I didn’t want the shooter’s terrorism to win. So I smiled and told her how pretty she looked. My little girl gave me a big toothy smile. I drank it in, taking note of the spaces between her baby teeth, how her red rain coat with its white polka dots was zipped up over her chin.

“This way it doesn’t pinch my neck,” my little girl said.

I laughed at her brilliance. I got out of the car and waited for her to climb down from the back seat. I enjoyed the pressure of her hand as she clasped mine. I felt how strong her grip was. Was she holding on tighter today too?

I saw police standing guard. I am grateful to the Charlotte Jewish Preschool for hiring extra security and I loved having a police presence there. I walked with her into the school, we said, “Hi,” and waved to the police, we took the stairs one flight up to her classroom. She delivered the birthday present to her friend and got busy with helping her teacher.

“Give me hugs and kisses.” I was stalling

“I love you very much.”

“I love you very much too, Mommy.”

I stepped out of the room, not wanting to leave her. I felt helpless.

I stopped to chat with another mother, I felt heat rise and tears burn the back of my eyes as I tried to control myself.

“I didn’t know,” I said.

“Me too,” she said.

I passed familiar faces. The school staff did everything to make today feel like any day instead of the day after,  for the kids. They were successful. I am grateful for that too.

I reflect on the funerals happening today. I keep thinking about the brave Liza Long. Who wrote the blog about being the mother of a mentally ill son. My heart breaks for everyone. I think Liza does an excellent job being honest. I’d like to show my support by sharing her link The Blue Review. My sincere wish is that mental hospitals help more. There are parents out there screaming for help. Let’s get it to them.

What a gift!

I received a miraculous gift. And I’d like to tell you about it because I could never have planned any of it.  Not that I could have planned most anything that’s happened in my life.

Never in  million years did I think while I was growing up on Long Island that I would move to California and consider myself a Los Angeles girl. Never in the eighteen years that I lived in Los Angeles did I ever remotely consider that I would move myself and my family to Charlotte. And yet here we are and it is wall meant to be. We are Southern.

Since leaving LaLa-land I’ve met world-class writers, illustrators and literary agents and I consider a number of them friends. Here these talented people share their successes and encourage those of us on the path to being published to keep going, while sharing guidance and tips on how to make our dreams come true.

And now I have opportunities to pay it forward. And I am thrilled and so excited about it that I am feeling high. Seriously, I am…and I have new glasses so it’s not my vertigo kicking in. ;P

My inability to have a second child left me with a bundle of love that I felt was going unused. I am not withholding love from my family, my daughter, or my friends, it’s just that there is an untapped glob of love that wanted to attach to someone, for a long time I thought it was for my twice miscarried child.

I carried that love like a clenched fist in my gut. I thought I was keeping it for another baby, but last night I realized that the love I was desperately clinging to was actually grief. And I felt that if I let go of that grief, the failed pregnancies, I’d lose the connection to the soul I thought at first wanted and then rejected me. If I let go of the grief, my saved love would disintegrate and the pregnancies would never have been.

My grief is very hard to talk about, so I didn’t. I went on with my day-to-day life, I made sure to thank God for the life I have, the good fortune, my home, my daughter, my marriage, my relationships with my family, the friends  that I have, the creativity that I have, the book that I wrote, and for the spark of other book ideas that are germinating inside me. I was thankful for the connections I had with other writers. I didn’t want to be greedy. I thanked God over and over for my daughter. I have friends who can never have children. I wanted to make sure God knew I know how good I have it. But still that pain lived in me. I had no scar to bear outwardly so I let it fester internally.

Then last night I received a miraculous gift. On 12-12-12, the fifth night of Hanukkah, I received a message that the baby I lost didn’t reject me. The message was as clear as having a conversation with a friend sitting next to me. The message came from a soul I am connected to. That soul wanted to reconnect with me, to feel loved by me again and remind me it loved me too. It was so beautiful to feel this answer.

I am not broken, defective, or poison. My body doesn’t crave life so much it devours it. I am instead, a loving soul, and that loss was nothing more than reconnecting to love that was and is. And in that message of love, that soul asked for forgiveness for hurting me, much like I have begged it to forgive me for not being good enough to be it’s mother in this life.

No wonder I wrote a book about how souls connect. No wonder I wrote about longing to reconnect, love and spirituality. No wonder I wrapped Life-Like in a mask of snarky humor and limbo in the hopes to unconsciously connect the dots for others.

In the past weeks since sending my query out for Life-Like, I have been searching for a way to help children. My husband and I donated to One Simple Wish, we are sponsoring an orphan in Haiti through H.E.R.O Housing Education & rehabilitation of Orphans, I began mentoring a student, and I joined, donated to, and reached out to a specific girl at Good Friends. I needed to give back.

These donations were the gifts I could give. These were the ways I could pay it forward. And you know what. I can’t pay it forward enough. I’ve learned the smallest message to the right person at the right time is life altering. I woke up today without a pain that has lived inside me for three-and-a-half years.

I could have never planned my life’s path. The challenges I’ve overcome. The losses. The triumphs. The physical places I’ve lived that led to connections that benefit me. But I am truly blessed to follow the path I would never have planned.

Happy Hanukkah! Merry Christmas!

Week 18: The Next Big Thing Blog Hop

I’m excited to be part of the Next Big Thing blog hop. I was tagged by a wonderful writer, Lisa Koosis, Who answered the same ten questions on her own blog, writingonthinice.blogspot.com, last Wednesday.

What is the working title of your book? LIFE-LIKE
Where did the idea come from for the book? The story originated from an essay about loss. I had a miscarriage and couldn’t deal with writing about real life so my mentor at the time Rachel Resnick suggested I write fiction. The original first draft was a short story was about a dimension jumping dragon who haunts a little girl and ultimately falls in love with her and tries to be born as her baby but dies.  After a year of working on the story , and many changes, there is no dragon,and the story became about Liv.
What genre does your book fall under? Young Adult, high concept the rest is up for grabs. Spritiual, paranormal, or magical realism.
Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition? This is easy, I’ve been thinking about this for a while:

Liv: Olivia Thirlby

Maude: Rachel Weisz

Robert: Ian Somerhalder

Mary: Blake Lively

English: Blake Lively at the 2011 Time 100 gala. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Charlie: Emile Hirsch

Emile Hirsch at the premiere of Speed Racer at the 2008 Tribeca Film Festival. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book? This is where I fall apart- sorry. Here are a few short sentences: Liv is dead.  She just doesn’t know it.  And she will have to relive the eighteenth of December again and again to figure it out.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency? I’m querying agents now.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? Once I figured out the story it took one year to have a complete first draft.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre? BEFORE I FALL by Lauren Oliver and ELSEWHERE by Gabrielle Zevin.
Who or What inspired you to write this book? The compulsion is all mine.
What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest? That’s a loaded question. I hope readers identify with Liv and like the writing. If you want to know more- here you go:

Liv wakes up Tuesday, December eighteenth believing the worst part of her day will be midterms. She has no idea in a few short hours she and her mother will be obliterated by an oncoming car in front of her high school. Liv mistakenly turns away from heaven’s light and lands in a self-constructed limbo where she is forced to relive the last day or her life and death over and over again.

Liv’s mother, Maude, a flighty artist in life, regrets her selfish parenting style and enters Liv’s limbo hoping save her. Unfortunately, Maude begins decomposing.

As Liv seeks a solution to her outrageous dilemma, she encounters a dead girl with a distinct drinking problem, a Goth tarot reader who reads Liv’s future with uncanny accuracy, a stalker who turns out to be the instrument of Liv’s death, a conspiracy of ravens who are actually angels, and a dead man who has come for her mother.

Liv’s attempts to change events of the day don’t save anyone, and Liv must move on or risk suffering a horrible eternal afterlife.

Tagged for next week – you’re it!

Kimberely Griffiths Little www.kimberleygriffithslittle.com

Amy E. Robertson www.amyiswriting.com

Ann Eisentein http://www.anneisenstein.com

Husband’s Feedback

My husband liked my book. I’ll paraphrase his kind words.

“You managed to accomplish what 95% of people who start a book don’t. You finished it. And of the five percent who finish only three percent write a good book. This is a good book.” He hugged me too. That was a wonderful. And there was no way that was all he had to say.

The week before I gave my book to him, I sent a copy to Kimberley Griffiths Little. She sent me positive feedback the same day my husband finished reading my book. Her feedback began:

I’ve finished reading and enjoyed it very much. You have a unique premise and twists and turns that are great. Your descriptions are really good, very beautiful in places. I also got a good sense of Ventura Beach and the setting, especially when they’re in the car with Mary and she’s drinking, etc. The kissing scenes with Billy are really, really good, too! Very sexy.

She treated me like a professional and gave me a critique on how to improve my book. I immediately wrote her back and thanked her for her insights and got to work brainstorming so I could meet her challenge and raise the bar on my work, bringing it to the next level. Kimberley believes if I do it successfully I will have more interest in LIFE-LIKE. How could I refuse? No, not me, not this girl! Why would I let two years of work go to waste because my ego got a bit scuffed? It doesn’t matter that I thought I was done revising it until my dream agent took me as a client and gave me a few notes. The gauntlet was set, and I was going to work my way through it.

After my husband gave me his feedback I told him what she said. He agreed. Her note made sense to him. It made sense to me too, but there was a teeny bit of disbelief in me. You see, they reminded me I don’t always put what’s in my mind on the page. It’s a VERY ANNOYING habit. I don’t recommend it if you’re a writer.

I needed to deepen the back story and interpersonal relationships between my main characters. The only way I could invision doing that was to add drama. So I thought of a scenario that makes the mother a little less likable, eek, but gave a greater motivation for the chain reaction that follows. It took me all day Thursday, to write five pages. I had to believe in the changes, see them, feel them, and write them. That meant making a few big edits.

I loved the opening page of my book. But it’s changing with this revision. I never imagined this fight I created. If it’s making me this uncomfortable does that mean it’s good? Were my characters too likable? (Insert heavy sigh.) The ripple throughout the book is going to flex my mental and imaginative muscles. I feel my darlings lining up against the firing wall. It feels like bits and pieces of me are being killed too.

And I can’t talk about my anxiety with my husband, he doesn’t want to listen to me as I pace around the house flinging my hands in the air working out the details. He sees the work I do but doesn’t always understand it.

Since I have to vent my anxiety,  you’re getting a full dose. I don’t want to send out a sub-par book. I want it to be better than anyone expects. Sometimes the best creativity is twisted out of us by outside forces. And I am thankful that the forces behind me have my best interest at heart. I just hope I can deliver and survive the change in my characters.

 

writing contest and all you’ve ever wanted to ask an editor but didn’t.

Happy Friday everyone. Today I’d like to introduce you to Carin Siegfried editor extraordinaire. This woman knows her stuff. She is a complete editing and publishing resource.

According to Carin, the world of publishing is certainly in flux these days, and it’s always helpful to have a knowledgeable guide to lead the way. A former book editor at St. Martin’s Press, she is able to provide assistance to writers on a number of levels. No matter where you are in the publishing process, and no matter where you want to go, from consulting, editing, copyediting, and proofreading, Carin Siegfried Editorial is a full-service independent editorial boutique to help you make your book the very best.

I had very selfish reasons for interviewing Carin. I am at that stage of the novel writing game where I need editorial help. And I know my grammar isn’t the best, and I know my book could use a professional once over and I know I like writing lists of three and they may get annoying to read chapter after chapter hence the need for editorial assistance. But what kind? I wasn’t sure what questions to ask an editor when interviewing them to help me. So I went to a trusted source. I just so happen to be the new Secretary for the Charlotte Chapter of the Women’s National Book Association. Carin is a past President. Talk about Kismet.

I tucked away any embarrassment I had about being ignorant about editing and asked her if she was interested in being interviewed. She said, “Yes!” Don’t we all wish we would hear yes more often?

So here you go.  A little background information about Carin Siegfried. For more detailed information please visit her site at www.cseditorial.com. 

1. Have you always loved books? What was your first favorite? Has it stood the test of time?

Yes, I’ve always loved books. I taught myself to read when I was about 3, and haven’t stopped since. I remember once as a child sitting outside in the yard reading (Mom could make me go outside but she couldn’t make me play!) and I was so enraptured by my book that I didn’t notice I got 3 bee stings (I apparently sat in the middle of a large clump of clover) until I went back inside when I was done reading.

Hm, my memory doesn’t quite go back far enough to say what was my first favorite, so I’d probably have to go with the Little House series by Laura Ingalls Wilder. My parents were reading the books to me and my younger sister when our baby sister was born (name: Laura!) and I read them all over and over again. As an adult I usually reread only the last 4 but a couple of years ago, thanks to Shelf Discovery by Lizzie Skurnick, I was inspired to reread all of them, including Farmer Boy, which I am not sure that I ever reread. These books are all totally still amazing.

2. Tell us about the WNBA.

I first joined the Nashville chapter about 14 years ago when I worked at Ingram, and then I was a member of the New York chapter when I worked at St. Martin’s Press.  When I moved to Charlotte, there was no chapter here, and aside from at work, I was having a lot of trouble meeting fellow bookish people, so I decided to form a chapter here, too, which was founded in 2009.  The Women’s National Book Association has been around for 95 years now, and my favorite thing about it is that it’s a big umbrella group. Yes, there are groups for authors and publicists and even editors. In places like New York, there are even more specialized groups, such as for book production and copyeditors and the like. Librarians have their own groups, and children’s writers and illustrators.  But the WNBA is here for all!  In fact, you don’t even have to fit into any of these categories – it is not limited to people who work in the book world professionally. The only qualification is that you have to love books. (You don’t even need to be a woman.) Because of this, there’s a great diversity of backgrounds and interests which I think is great. I’ve always been very interested in learning new things and looking at things from new angles, and having everyone, from teachers to agents to readers, all together opens my eyes to new topics, new issues, and new ways of seeing the world of books. There are 10 chapters around the country so there’s probably one near you, but if there isn’t, you can start your own chapter too!  Just contact me and I can help.

3. Do you enjoy being an editor more than writing?

Oh yes. I haven’t written anything since college and looking back, it was all dreck. In fact, I’m afraid to look at it. Once big reason I decided to be an editor instead is that my writing wasn’t up to my own standards. Also when I took a college creative writing class, my classmates were much, much more enthusiastic about my editing skills than my writing skills, and in fact that didn’t mention anyone else’s editing skills at all. I have always had a very critical and analytical mind, and luckily I was raised to believe that you’re not allowed to complain about something without being willing to do something to fix it. That means my criticism is very constructive. I try to suggest a solution, not just point out a problem. 

4. What is your relationship like with publishing houses now? 

Since leaving New York, I switched to the sales side of the business, so while I do know a lot of people at publishing houses, they’re mostly in the Sales Departments these days, not so many in Editorial anymore. But the work I do doesn’t require publishing contacts so it’s just as well. I do sometimes help authors with submitting their manuscripts, but that’s a matter of researching literary agents – the agents are the ones who know the editors who are acquiring. That said, if there’s a new book coming out I’m desperate to get and don’t want to pay for it, I usually still have someone I can call for a comp copy, but I don’t do that often. I usually buy them retail these days!

5. Do you believe your experiences with publishers helps you work with writers? Can you help a writer target their book to a specific publisher?

It does help incredibly as I know what an acquiring editor is looking for. I know that how you present your work counts, that your potential marketing and publicity plans are important, that a prestigious agent, while not a must, can be helpful. I can explain to a client the time frame of publishing and why everything takes so long. I can explain about a publishing contract and how agents and editors work together. I am a big proponent of agents, so I generally wouldn’t help craft a book to a publisher, but a query letter should always be tweaked to appeal to a particular agent, once you’re done your homework. Not to mention, while a query or a proposal can be targeted, I don’t think a book should be. I think an author should write the book that is in them, and the right agent/editor/publishing house will come along. Yes, it’s rarely right away – just like with dating it takes time and kissing a lot of frogs, but it’s worth it to find The One.

 6. What’s your take on the state of books?

Books are doing great. If it’s more publishing you mean, well it’s in flux, but it always is.  The end of “publishing as we know it” has been heralded scores of times, from the advent of mass markets to audios to paperbacks to CD-roms (yes, really), and yet they all (except CD-roms) co-exist happily. I think the same will be true for ebooks. (To read a funny history of “the end of publishing”, check out Shelf Awareness, “Deeper Understanding” from Jan 8, 2010: http://www.shelf-awareness.com/ar/theshelf/2010-01-08/robert_gray_publishing_trends_of_futures_past.html) It will take a while to shake down, 20 years or more (this is not an industry known to quickly embrace new technology), and yes I think traditional publishing might end up being smaller, but the audience will have realized in the meantime that many of the services traditional publishing provides (editing, copyediting, proofreading, design, marketing, promotion) are difficult to forgo, and good books will be harder to find, harder to read, and harder to hear about. Yes, they do currently serve as gatekeepers, but there are over 250,000 books published each year by traditional publishers, so the majority of those not published aren’t overlooked gems. Meanwhile, some self-publishing authors are being smart and are actually getting their own editors, copyeditor, proofreaders, designers, and so on. Thanks to them, I am keeping very busy, and I think the world of self-publishing will stay strong and find more success. I don’t know that it will go back to its heyday, when Dickens and so many other classic authors self-published, but it’s out of the doldrums of the 1980’s vanity publishing fraudsters.

7. Please help us new writers understand the various editorial services at our disposal. 

What do these mean: 

            Consultation

Primarily this is query letter or book proposal preparation.  I provide assistance with submitting to appropriate agents and/or publishers, including answering questions such as: What do agents and publishing house editors look for in a manuscript? I will lay out the entire editorial process to prepare the writer for the many steps, including potential pitfalls to avoid. I bring a knowledge of what sells, how to find your niche, what genres are popular, and so on. I also assist with self-publishing, including finding designers and other professionals to create a finished book or eBook, getting an ISBN, and registering copyright.

   developmental edit

Looking at the big picture, at problems with plot, character, pacing, point of view, and endings. So I would address issues such as character motivation, making sure all major characters are fully fleshed out, watching for plot holes, and being sure all threads are wrapped up in the end. For nonfiction, this involves fleshing out the idea, outlining, research, and competitive analysis.

   line edit

Working on the nuts and bolts of the book including dialogue, word choice, flow, and language. This would include things like fixing passive verbs, cutting down on adverb usage, being sure verb tense is correct and consistent throughout, and improving clarity. Frequently I will do a combo of developmental and line editing together.

        copy edit

Create a style guide, which is a listing of all words that might be tricky, including all proper nouns and compound words, and I check proper nouns for accuracy, particularly when it comes to trademarks. Copyediting catches spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors; cleans-up complicated writing; ensures consistency and accuracy, all according to the Chicago Manual of Style.

    proof read

Catch last minute typos and errors, so you put out a flawless product. For proofreading, a manuscript should have already been copyedited and formatted. New errors can appear in the formatting process so it’s important that the proof read come at the very end.

and how does one determine what they need?

Well the descriptions above should help – the last two are very different so those are easy to pin down. The first two overlap quite a bit, which is a reason I frequently do them simultaneously. If you’ve done a lot of editing, a lot of workshopping, have had a lot of critical reads – and I mean critical – and are very sure of the story, you can probably skip the developmental edit. Although it still can’t hurt to have a professional look at it, and if your manuscript is very clean, it won’t cost much as the charge is hourly.  If you just finished writing and hardly anyone has looked at it, and those who did only gave praise, a developmental edit is where I would begin. Copyediting is for when you’re ready to publish, and so that’s only if you’re going the self-publishing route. Otherwise a traditional publisher has your book copyedited, and proofread themselves (at their expense.)

Submit your work to the 1st Annual WNBA Writing Contest!

Submissions open from May 1st to November 1st. Fiction entries judged by Valerie Martin award-winning author of 9 novels, 3 short story collections, and one biography. Poetry entries judged by Julie Kane, Poet Laureate of Louisiana.

Check out the guidelines and prizes at www.wnba-books.org/contest

ICLW

Hi ladies of ICLW. This morning I am trying to breathe through some serious cramping. I know these are serious because I’ve taken an Aleve and a PMS pill and still the pain radiating from my right hip flexor through to my back has me wanting to say, “Mercy!”

On days like this I think my body knows what to do. It knows how to conceive and hold a child. It just refuses to do it a second time. I don’t know why either. I enjoyed being pregnant the first time. I loved the anticipation of meeting my daughter. I was fascinated by what my body was doing. I was less fascinated by it after having my girl and wishing to have it under my control again, but that’s another story.

Perhaps I’m not listening to my body. http://www.detourtomotherhood.blogspot.com visited and I read her post. It struck a chord. She said she wasn’t listening to her body. That she pushed herself farther than she should have is her pursuit to have a child. I’ve been there. I’ve taken the drugs, gotten poked by needles, gone insane on hormones and the singular goal of having a baby.

I thought if I had such bad pain and PMS didn’t I deserve another child? I love my little girl with every fiber of my being so why won’t the universe give me another somebody to love.

On the good days the answer is, it’s not going to happen. And I accept it. On the bad days, the answer is, it’s not going to happen and it hurts like a bitch.  This is the one thing I can’t control no matter how badly I wished it, no matter how hard I prayed for it, and no matter how hard I worked toward it.

This week I finished up putting the precious things on Craigslist. Her 4-in-1 crib and the Orbit infant car seat, base and stroller. When my girl talks about having a baby brother I play along with what she thinks it would be like, but I don’t cry because she won’t have one.

Today I will be the best Mommy I can be to her, right after I lay down and breathe through these brutal cramps.

Letting Go

I did it. I packed up the last of the precious baby things I held on to and gave them away. The tummy time matt. Her crib bedding. The fancy felt blocks, BPA free bottles, and Sofie the giraffe.

Deep breath.

I think I’m settling back into accepting my reality: Hi, I’m Holly, and I suffer from secondary infertility.

My daughter won’t field calls from her sibling when she’s older and cousel him or her on their love life or job. She won’t be able to bitch about her aging parents and how stubborn we are or deaf we are becoming. She’ll stand on her own. She’s stronger than me, and I handle everything. She’ll be fine.

Besides she’ll tell you all about her other family if you ask, and even if you don’t. She has older sisters who live in space. She has other parents that live in a different house. She has a mean mommy and sister. She’s has an amazing imagination. Perhaps she’ll be a writer one day too.

But this is about me. I learned a friend is pregnant this week. She is in her 40′s. It happened naturally for them. No fertility treatments. No sex on demand or obsessing on conceiving for three years. They are a very lucky family. But they are not us.  That is not my path.

What is very natural for me is to feel a pang of grief. It does not diminish my joy for my friend. But I am honoring myself by acknowledging that I am sad that we could not share the same news. So instead of holding on to what once was, or what I wished would be, I let the past and dreamed of future go in a large wardrobe box labeled baby stuff.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Mom,

I want to tell you how much I love you. I know you prefer personal matters to remain private. But this year I want to shout it from the rooftop how amazing I think you are. So please, pull up your desk chair and slip on your reading glasses and get comfortable.

Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for giving me the space to express myself. Thank you for letting me get it off my chest when you didn’t want to hear it.  Thank you for supporting me and my style as a child. Thank you for supporting me through tough emotional times. Thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for sitting quietly with me. Thank you for playing golf with me. Thank you for dancing in the living room with me. Thank you for a wicked sense of humor.

I want you to know that I see you too.

I appreciate your creativity. I appreciate your wisdom. I appreciate your talent. I think you should show the world more of it, and so here it is, something you painted for me that I wish to share with the world.

I appreciate your heart. I appreciate our relationship. I appreciate your love of fast cars, convertibles and motorcycles. I appreciate your need for privacy, even though I don’t always go along with it. I appreciate your style. I appreciate the friendships you have. I appreciate your generous heart. I appreciate your teenage-spirit and ideas about love. I appreciate your ability to lighten up the room. I appreciate that we can speak the truth even when it hurts without being defensive. I appreciate your clothes. I appreciate your sparkly things. I appreciate your need for space. I appreciate your feelings about being the new matriarch of the family. I appreciate the love you have for your grandchildren. I appreciate your passion for art. I appreciate your taste in fine dining. I appreciate the fact you don’t enjoy cooking. I appreciate that you make it easy to come home. I appreciate your hugs. I appreciate your kisses. I appreciate your tears. I appreciate that you are a survivor. I appreciate the way your mouth moves when you speak. I appreciate your eyebrows. I appreciate your skinny legs and blonde hair. I appreciate your creativity. I appreciate your dramatic flair. I appreciate your sense of fashion. I appreciate your decorating style. I appreciate your intuition. I appreciate your need to live near the ocean. I appreciate your hugs. I appreciate your gifts. I appreciate the look you used to give me when you thought I did something bad. I appreciate how your raised me. I appreciate how you let me go. I appreciate how you are always there. I appreciate how you love me.

I love you, too. Always.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sisters

My little girl wants some sisters. She tells me about her big sister who is 14. Her sister is naughty. She pushes my girl and doesn’t listen to mommy. Her sister also sings songs with her and plays with her. Some days my girl has a brother too, but not as often. She calls her cousins her brothers and sisters. My girl really has a one track mind.

This weekend she asked me to open my mouth so she could look inside.

“What are you looking for?” I asked.

“I’m looking for a baby in your tummy,” she said.

I thought the sentiment was adorable. In the meantime, I sold her stroller and pack and play. I threw out her BPA free bottles. Got rid of her expensive cloth diapers that I used to wipe up all her spit up and whatnot, got rid of her receiving blankets, and her first wood blocks. I am successfully and slowly purging baby thoughts and dreams. My daughter — not so much. She wants a sibling. When I try to explain that I can’t have another baby, her four-year-old mind goes to work processing.

“It’s okay Mommy. Try. I want a sister.”

I think my girl would find adjusting to an infant painful at best. She doesn’t like to share me with anyone. But I like her chutzpah.

For now though, I am working hard on putting baby dreams to rest. Time to focus on another dream. My book. I have a goal. To finish this draft, polish it, and get my YA novel LIFE-LIKE out into agents hands by the end of August. I hope to get my girl on board with this. I think it would be a cool incentive to have her ask if my book is ready yet instead of asking for a sister. Think it’ll work?