2011 is over, that went fast…

How is it December 29, 2011? Where did this year go? I’m not quite sure. But as I slow down and think about it it’s been an eventful one for me. Let me make a list of stuff that happened. The order is random. (lists are always popular at the end of the year.) Please feel free to add your own things done, accomplished, not completed, started, thought about etc.

1. Started the year still TTC my second child.

2. Tried IUI.

3. Gave into my reality and stopped TTC.

4. Blogged regularly.

5. Zumba’d my ass off 2x/ week.

6. Finished the first draft of my novel Life-like.

7. Had 2 short stories published by moonShine review. (http://moonshinereview.wordpress.com/)

8. Had an essay published at More.com. (http://www.more.com/i-dont-want-buy-tampons-i-want-be-pregnant)

9. Attended the Carolina’s SCWBI. (http://www.scbwi.org//) Met amazing agents, writers and illustrators.

10. Cut my hair off.

11. Moved into a new home.

12. Made some fantastic new friends.

13. Adopted a pet kitten. (who REFUSES to be litter box trained more on that later).

14. Performed in Expressing Motherhood. (http://www.expressingmotherhood.com/January__11_Los_Angeles.html)

15. Read a book per week.

16. Tried a new recipe per month. (I dread the question what’s for dinner and got inspired to try new things)

17. Loved my family with all that I have.

18. Enjoyed the support of my readers and followers. Thanks so much!

I’m sure I did more but I can’t at this very moment think of what. I’m feeling pretty good about it all. Life is incredible! Thanks for reading. Happy New Year.

 

one and done

Not pregnant.

Over the “process”.

REACH (Reporductive Endocrinology Associates of Charlotte,  http://www.northcarolinafertility.com) fucked up again or shall I say 2 more times? They gave me the wrong directions post IUI. They didn’t tell me nor did they fill out the perscription- how to use Crinone correctly, or more exactly how long to take it. If I hadn’t called to double-check it would have gone on 4 more days. I think they suck. I don’t care about the apologies I get from them any more. And they didn’t submit my bills to insurance correctly either.

REACH assigns you a number when you sign up for any procedure and after that that’s all you are. A number on a chart plopped down on an assembly line on the baby making machine. I don’t know why they ever bother assigning a doctor’ to a patient. It’s much more like you start with “A” doctor and work your way through “Z” doctor and as long as they get paid they don’t care about the PERSON all those needles, drugs and procedures are happening to.

Hope

Sorry for the silent treatment the past week. I was wrestling and then not wrestling with emotions and hope. Somehow the first visit to REACH for my IUI kind of made me disassociate from everything. Something in my mind snapped when I saw the word INFERTILITY next patient catagory. It seemed more final.

I felt very unattached from the process of having another child, it became a clinical thing instead of a love thing. It felt wrong that I had to get help, and it dumbfounded me when I saw all the other women struggling too. The only way I know how to protect myself from all of that wrongness is to not be attached to the outcome. It’s very Kabbalistic really… work hard toward a goal but let go of the outcome. Practically impossible right? That was how I was feeling.

Then I had an 8:30 AM appointment Sunday and got semi-exciting news. My left overy was working and producing 3 follicles 2 that are promising. One is 19 and the other 24. My lining ranks at a 10, they were looking for a 7. I feel so much less broken. I could actually see my body working. Tonight at 6 PM I take my Ovidrel shot. Wednesday morning I go in for more blood work and then later in the morning my IUI. I’m excited again. I feel hopeful that the Femera worked and this may actually work and why hadn’t anyone told me about this option A YEAR AGO?????? Was I too stubborn to hear it?  Or is this what is meant to be?

Wishing all my other infertility friends good luck this month. I have hope enough for all of us.

IUI

Last Friday I began my first IUI cycle blood work and meds. The best part so far is the nurse who drew my blood did not leave me with a nasty bruise on my arm. The worst thing was the darting eye contact of the other fifteen women riding along with me on the conveyor belt of blood work, ultrasounds and infertility. More to come on that.

Other encouraging news, the women there who did make eye contact and chat with me, as we waited our turns to be poked and prodded, were repeat customers, as in they were successful with their doctors and the REACH program. The bad news is, even though my insurance claimed to cover the procedure so far they have rejected the first set of medical bills and denied my scripts. I’m talking about you Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield, how can you pre-approve something and deny it???? F-ing insurance.

riding the baby makin’ train

Last Friday I had my first appointment at REACH. (http://www.northcarolinafertility.com/)

I had questions about my body that needed concrete attention. Working on fertility 3,000 miles away from my OBGYN had failed and instead of repeating futile behavior I decided to take control of my reproductive life.

So on recommendation of cool news friends who had success using REACH I decided to go. Better yet, my man candy agreed to go too. And ever better still my insurance covers some of the visit, talk about a bonus!

Dr. Whitesides won the lottery of me because the other doctor who was recommended had another obligation to attend on the day and time we were available, and we were not interested in waiting another month to see her.

I liked him. He was the perfect fit for our family. Dr. Whitesides is direct, quick with a pap smear and personable. The good news he delivered is I’m not broken. Things look good inside and he sees no reason why we can’t successfully have a baby. He responded well to the information that I am seeing an acupuncturist weekly and even encouraged me to continue. He also said he would have taken me off Clomid after the first month because of my reaction to it. Boy do I wish I met him in October!

Dr. Whitesides was pleased when I told him we are not interested in IVF. He doesn’t believe my eggs would like all that man handling outside of my body. He said if my end goal is to have a baby that he would suggest I use a donor egg.

Even though having a child is what I hope for, I am not down with that. My intention is not to have a baby at all costs, I have an amazing daughter, perhaps if I didn’t I would consider that option.

We all agreed to try IUI. (http://www.northcarolinafertility.com/intrauterine-insemination.asp) It seems to fit in with what my husband and I can handle emotionally and financially.

So away we go farther down the tracks on the baby making train.