I believe in soul contracts. I believe that before we enter this life we ostensibly sit down with G-d and say, sign me up for this, that, and some of those challenges and I’d like to be a part of Joe, Susan and Peter’s lives again. Oh and I see Patricia and I still have karma to work out throw some of that in there too. And our soul is joyous to sign up for love, pain, struggle, commitment, success, failure, passion, rage, fetishes and an array of other delightful life adventures.
Then we are born and become confined by our humanity. We don’t remember what we signed up for or why and when life begins handing us adversity, stress or just a crappy moment, day or year passes and we think WTF! I know that struggle makes me stronger. I know a butterfly wouldn’t be able to fly unless it pushed its way out of a cocoon, but for right now, in this moment, I feel that my soul is a bit sadistic.
Let me tell you why. I survived losing my home in the middle of the night twice- once to a fire in 1986 when I was 17 and again when I was 24 to the 1994Northridge Earthquake. I was raped at 15. I had a starter marriage (got married young and thankfully divorced the man who whittled away all my self esteem and respect) and last year I suffered the loss of 2 miscarriages. All these painful things are bubbling to the surface of my consciousness, as I get ready to move again. (I’ve moved 14 times since 1993) I don’t know why this happens. None of those events defines me. They don’t affect my day to day life but they are experiences I call upon in my writing. And moving generates enormous anxiety for me. Why do I do it? I don’t like stuffing my life into boxes, although I enjoy starting over.
I enjoy the adventure of a new environment. Of meeting new people, trying new things and the adventure that is awaiting me just past all the stress of selling the house we live in now, the uncertainty of my husband’s new job and the hope that we will conceive a healthy baby and welcome him or her into our family.
I live my life in a way that some of my friends call daring. I make choices and I go for it instead of settling.
Is there anything you would change in your life? Is it possible to do it? What holds you back? Do you believe in a soul agreement? What did you sign up for? Are you avoiding any of it?