When I was in my twenties I believed with my whole heart and soul that if I weighed 125 pounds my life would be better. And by better I mean I’d have no problems getting a boyfriend, my clothes would be cuter; my life would be easier because I was skinny. I thought I wouldn’t dread stepping on the scale and therefore would have less stress in my life. I could enjoy slipping easily into my jeans. I certainly could stop obsessing about what I ate or didn’t eat and I wouldn’t have to starve myself during the week in order to party on the weekend. The belief of course was a total load of crap.
At 41 I weigh 125 pounds. The first time this magic number blinked up at me I moved the scale, clearly there was an error. But after weighing myself in four different places in my bathroom the number remained the same, 124.5.
I couldn’t believe it. I weighed ten pounds less than I did when I got pregnant two years earlier with my daughter. How did it happen? I wasn’t trying to lose weight, I was trying to get pregnant. I wasn’t eating less or even exercising that much so how was this magic number possible? My body clearly has a mind of its own.
Being skinny did not change my world in any dramatic way. I was married, had a career and a large wardrobe. I did go and buy some new jeans because I needed to prove to myself the scale wasn’t lying. The sales girl told me I was picking clothes too big. I didn’t believe her and let her select my clothes. And low and behold I dropped a size. My mom even calls me skinny!
The irony is I don’t want to be skinny now. I want to sport a round pregnant belly and carry a healthy baby inside of me. Me being thin does keep a sparkle in my husband’s eye, which is nice to see, but isn’t ironic that my prayer to be skinny is fulfilled when I don’t want it.
I have a choice to make. Enjoy my skinny time and come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to have another child or go crazy and try to control things that are beyond my control. There are worse things in the world; it just leaves me with a funny feeling in my stomach. Ironic hu?