Have I done enough?

Have I done enough? I’m not so sure. I see the days passing and I wonder. Did I give it my all? Did I try the hardest I could?

I talked to my California OBGYN today, asking him for his sound advice on my current situation.

“If you increase the dosage of Clomid you’re side effects will increase too,” he told me when I explained that I looked up side effects on the internet and realized I have every side effect known to the drug. Even when there is only a 2% chance of having the side effect, I get it. So why don’t I have the 80% success rate? (http://infertility.about.com/od/clomid/tp/clomid_side_effects.htm)

“You will,” he says. “It’ll just take time.”

“But I’ve run out of time. I’m getting old. I’m 42 and if it doesn’t happen by the end of March we’re done,” I explain. I realize I’m holding my breath, waiting for him to say something important or life altering.

“Okay,” he says.

My OBGYN is a soft spoken guy, it’s part of what I like about him, even though his soft calm voice is making me want to grab his shoulders and shake him. How could he say okay? WTFertility?!

I asked him a few more things about Clomid and he tells me there are ultrasounds that could be done and more blood work and it leaves me feeling like I didn’t do it right. That’ I’ve been suffering through the mood swings, headaches, tender breasts, and hope for nothing. Why didn’t he tell me about my options for tracking ovulation when I started down the Clomid journey? Should I have found a doctor here in Charlotte as soon as we arrived in October? What could they have offered me then? Could I afford their solutions?

“You could take a break,” my doctor says. He has no idea how I feel because he is a man and even though he’s a great doctor he isn’t me. And I don’t like to fail or quit. Dam my emotions, they have an overpowering effect on my rational mind making me doubt the choices I was okay with two days ago.

Have I done enough?

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7 thoughts on “Have I done enough?

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  1. I understand what you are going through. I went the Clomid round for a few tries and then got frustrated so I totally stopped going to my specialist. We are now looking into going back after we finalize our adoption, but it is so hard. I also keep asking myself what else I could have done or what other route could I take. My insurance doesn’t cover the IUI or IVF treatments so that’s not an option for us.

  2. I’m so sorry… I know after my second failed IVF, I felt this way too. But then, I also KNEW I had done everything. I had TRIED everything. It is such a frustrating place to be though, and I’m so sorry you’re there!

  3. Hi,

    I am very new to this and not sure which doctor you are seeing. But would suggest that you go and see a speciliased doctor at a fertility clinic as I take the clomid as well, then on day 12 he scan to see if eggs have formed if so, he gives me an injection to ovulate and then I am suppose to fall pregnant. Not yet … but go see someone else!!

    Good luck

  4. Hi there-found your blog from the Huffington Post article. I am your age, and just finished 4 rounds of Clomid and IUIs-unsuccessful, each and every one. I’m also 42, and understand your frustration.

    I’m now gearing up for IVF with a new RE; I kind of wish that I would have just gone straight to IVF.

    Best of luck to you.

  5. I totally get this. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about this. My mind is constantly thinking about all the things I could/should be doing..and it’s overwhelming. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20…but in this case, I have to agree with you. You should be monitored more closely..especially if your RE is offering it. Frustrating this was never brought up for you.

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