Have I done enough? I’m not so sure. I see the days passing and I wonder. Did I give it my all? Did I try the hardest I could?
I talked to my California OBGYN today, asking him for his sound advice on my current situation.
“If you increase the dosage of Clomid you’re side effects will increase too,” he told me when I explained that I looked up side effects on the internet and realized I have every side effect known to the drug. Even when there is only a 2% chance of having the side effect, I get it. So why don’t I have the 80% success rate? (http://infertility.about.com/od/clomid/tp/clomid_side_effects.htm)
“You will,” he says. “It’ll just take time.”
“But I’ve run out of time. I’m getting old. I’m 42 and if it doesn’t happen by the end of March we’re done,” I explain. I realize I’m holding my breath, waiting for him to say something important or life altering.
“Okay,” he says.
My OBGYN is a soft spoken guy, it’s part of what I like about him, even though his soft calm voice is making me want to grab his shoulders and shake him. How could he say okay? WTFertility?!
I asked him a few more things about Clomid and he tells me there are ultrasounds that could be done and more blood work and it leaves me feeling like I didn’t do it right. That’ I’ve been suffering through the mood swings, headaches, tender breasts, and hope for nothing. Why didn’t he tell me about my options for tracking ovulation when I started down the Clomid journey? Should I have found a doctor here in Charlotte as soon as we arrived in October? What could they have offered me then? Could I afford their solutions?
“You could take a break,” my doctor says. He has no idea how I feel because he is a man and even though he’s a great doctor he isn’t me. And I don’t like to fail or quit. Dam my emotions, they have an overpowering effect on my rational mind making me doubt the choices I was okay with two days ago.
Have I done enough?