Have you ever felt that someone else is having your baby?
Anyone know what I mean? I honestly don’t begrudge anyone who is pregnant or who doesn’t have my issues keeping a pregnancy, but tonight I find myself immediately jealous of a friend who is pregnant. I don’t mean to be. I don’t believe there are finite souls to be born, but she keeps having children while I struggle.
Her first child was born a few days after my first miscarried child’s due date. And tonight I learned she is well into her 2nd trimester while I have an appointment at a fertiltiy clinic called REACH on Friday so I can try and figure out what is going on or not going on with my body. (http://www.northcarolinafertility.com/medical-team.asp) And my heart feels like she is having my babies. I know it’s a psycho thought and I’m looking forward to the feeling passing.
But right now as I sit at my desk, with my cat laying in front of my keyboard, and my daughter downstairs being babysat by The Fresh Beat Band, and my hubby working out, I let the tears come.
Maybe she is a catalyst for my grief. At acupuncture today, my acupuncturist Adrienne Wei (http://www.ipanc.com/) told me my heart and lung pulse was weak, and she thought it was grief. I thought she was a little off because I’ve been in a great mood the past few days. A great mood until my husband emerged from his office to tell me he heard the news from his friend, the father of the child to be. “That’s great!” I said completely meaning it. And then the pang, the heart crushing reminder that I am not and may never be pregnant again.
I want to snap out of this pity trip, thank G-d for my good fortune, and hug my daughter. But she, like her mother, is in a bit of a mood and not an affectionate one, hence me hiding upstairs away from her. My husband tried to hug me but she cut in and we started tickling my girl because she loves it and squeals the most exuberant laughter when we do. This is my family, I am lucky and thankful.
So why the emotional feeling that she is having my babies? Someone please make them go away.
Our friends are great parents and I wish them love and blessings. Come on Holly, you’re going to be all right.