Last night, as I was lying in bed and meditating on my nightly prayers, I asked G-d to let me know what grief was left in my heart. I want to heal it so I can make space for another soul to come in. And I got an answer. It’s fear.
I’m afraid if I do get pregnant I will lose the baby, again. And the thought scares me to my very core.
It’s not dissimilar to the heartache of a bad breakup. Remember the emotional destruction when someone you loved broke up with you? The inability to comprehend why someone you love doesn’t want you? How that event left a residue of pain and distrust for the next person?
That kind of bad boyfriend heartbreak led me to push good guys away when I was younger, because I was afraid they would hurt me too. But I think that mentality sucks. And fear never gets anyone anywhere. Fear certainly doesn’t allow you to get what you want. It’s the antithesis of desire. It’ll box you in and take up all of your time and energy leaving none for the actual desire.
So I am concentrating on healing my own heart, as I am the only one who can do so. And fear, you are not invited into my life. You hear me?! I refuse to give into you, so there!