I know I’ve been quiet, this is kind of my thing. When I feel overwhelmed by circumstances and emotions I retreat into myself. I don’t feel like talking about my feelings, I am trying to manage them and do what needs to get done in my life. (be a mom to my amazing 3-year-old, work on my essays, continue writing and finish my young adult novel, food shopping, laundry double yuck! and all that other stuff that is my life)

I am in a holding pattern. I have absolutely no control over anything happening to me, or not happening to me- (ie. not becoming pregnant) I feel exhausted. I’m taking my Crinone (progesterone gel) every morning like a good girl and waiting until I either get my period or take my last pregnancy test. The up side of taking Crinone is I have 20 year-old boobs again. This is nice to see.

I’m trying not to let my emotions get the better of me. When I think about the possibility of not being pregnant a body engulfing grief wells up and shove it back telling myself, “don’t jump to conclusions.” But I did prep my husband, by telling him if we are not pregnant this month, and since this is our last attempt at creating another family member, that my grief will be much worse than any of my miscarriages because the result is final.

And knowing that hurts.


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