I saw an old friend last week. He told me that reading my blog required him to close the window blinds and turn off the lights to process. That I am so honest with my feelings and what’s happening or happened (specifically my rape story) that he has difficulty processing it.
The funny thing is, accessing my feelings takes me time. I have to drop down into a mood to be able to figure emotions out. I think that’s part of why I watch Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. (http://www.vh1.com/shows/celebrity_rehab_with_dr_drew/season_5/series.jhtml) The participants have to get in touch with feelings, conquer moments and behavior. Sometimes I want to throw things at them for their selfish addict behavior, but there is another part of me that understands that there by the grace of G-d go I. And there was a period of time where I hid myself in vodka and appearing strong and pretended to be in control. I think I am lucky that I am not an addict.
I don’t like feeling sad or embracing pain. The sensation drains all energy from my body, makes my heart ache and my mind spin. But it is an interesting creative place to be in if I can manage to write then. Lord knows I don’t write anything too interesting when I’m LMFOA. But I think I will try to find something joyful to share with you all soon. (that is supposed to make you smile)
In the mean time, don’t be afraid of experiencing the what life is offering up. I find the sooner I deal with whatever, the faster I can move through it, and get on to more joyful things.