avoidance

I’ve been avoiding you. It’s true. I have. I didn’t know what to say to you so I figured silence was golden. That and I felt really boring. And who wants to take time out of their day to read something boring? Not me that’s for sure. I hate it when I pick up a boring book and then am compelled to finish it because I can’t leave things unfinished.

I was trying to think about how to write something funny for a change. I love making people laugh, but writing something funny when your day consists of chores and rewrites isn’t easy. Then I got a great phone call.

My friend T called. We haven’t seen each other for a few weeks. Her family has been fighting change of season colds. Her baby boy had to get tubes put in his ears, you know, more every day family life stuff. I missed seeing her. She is beautiful and she’s kind and she has a smile and laugh that make the gloominess that lives inside me disappear whenever I’m having a bad day.

During the summer we were talking about babies, and having more, and my situation (not being able to conceive) and I got this feeling. Actually it’s my intuition. I’m slightly psychic. Regardless I knew she’d be pregnant again soon. I could feel the soul hanging out and waiting for the opportunity to slip in. She told me how she was going to a wedding in September and didn’t want to be pregnant because she wanted to have a lot of fun while she was out of town. I knew her baby didn’t want to wait. I told her to be careful. My girl didn’t believe me…

Today she confessed that she hasn’t been feeling well.

“Are you pregnant?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I told you so!” was pretty much what I said. “I told you you’d be pregnant by September.”

“I know!”

I am so happy for her.

She’s a bit upset because how much she is showing early in her pregnancy. I told her she had a baby less than a year ago – no duh. And I’m sure she doesn’t look any different it’s just her imagination.

And a miraculous thing happened. As she was telling me about her pregnancy I felt nothing. I felt no stab of pain. I had no feelings of self-remorse regarding my inability to have a baby. I was just excited. Honestly excited. I could hardly believe it. I had to sit back after we hung up the phone and check in with myself and my self answered back, you’re fine. You don’t hurt. You’re really okay.

This was shocking to me. I texted my hubby and told him about their good news. His first question was, “Are you alright?” (he’s really protective of me, I like quality).

“I’m totally fine.”

“You sure?”
He knows I typically have a delayed emotional reaction to things. I take time to process feelings.

“I’m good.”

And I am. And I am so relieved. I am so elated not to carry around that pain and grief any longer.

I guess this means I’m entering a new chapter of my life. One I never imagined. I’ve always pictured my life and my future. I always had goals to tick off. I always had some place I wanted to get to. But right now, I don’t. I’m happy in my here and now. I am not desperate. I’m practically satisfied. This is a miracle. An honest miracle. I don’t really know how to sit in it and live like this for very long. I suppose the desire to rewrite, polish, find an agent and sell my book will consume me soon- not that it doesn’t already affect all aspects of my life. It does from the books I read to my interests and the hours and hours I spend with a pen in hand or with my fingers tapping away at my keyboard.

My point is, I’ve moved past my pain. I thought I might have to live with it forever. It’s good to be wrong. Congrats T and A. Love you!

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3 thoughts on “avoidance

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  1. Hi Holly,

    I stumbled across your blog from a friend who posted on Facebook, and I love this entry. What a huge victory. You have given me a little piece of hope that miracles like this can and do happen. I don’t know if I will struggle with infertility, but I can relate. I have wanted to be a wife and mom for as long as I can remember. I am about to turn 31 years old, I am single, and I am watching my 28 year old married sister enjoy the blessing of being pregnant with her first child. I love her. I am happy for her, but it also makes me so sad…for me. And afraid. Afraid that I will never get to be a mom because it’s taking me so long to find “the right one”. (I still have no leads on that.) Thanks for sharing your struggles and your victories. Even though our circumstances are different, it makes me feel like I’m not so alone.

    Megan

    1. Megan,
      thanks for finding me! I’m so glad I’ve helped spark a little bit of hope. And perhaps I can give you more. I didn’t find “the one” until I was in my mid thirties. And I’m glad it took me that time. I got to explore the world, a career and met and dated so many cool people. Sometimes when people meet and marry young there comes apoint down the road where they question if they missed out on some things. Trust me, they do, I see it all the time and so do you in the divorce rate in the world. See when they look at you the grass is greener. 🙂 I have certainty that you will meet the right one, fall in love and make a family, no matter what size or shape that family is who knows. Good luck! And never settle!!!!

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