Even though we are no longer trying to have a baby it seems my body is still practicing for pregnancy. And believe me when I tell you, it’s annoying! How can I maintain a level head when my hormones fuck with me?
Let me explain what I’m talking about. On or about day 16 of my cycle this month my breasts began swelling and got tender. The kind of tenderness that makes a tee-shirt feel like an iron maiden and hugs torturous. They began to bulge out the top of my bra and made exercising painful.
This past month, I also had two weeks of nausea. My stomach was so queasy that I was bent over the toilet while tears filled my eyes. I whispered prayers for the nausea to pass and begged for whatever was making me ill to please get out. I ate half a sleeve of Saltines, four Tums, two charcoal tablets and digestive enzymes before I could sit without wanting to hurl. Once the wave of nausea passed I was starving! Did I mention the acne?
Then there was the bloating. My belly swelled. No matter how hard I exercised I felt fat. My scale said I gained one pound but it felt much more like five. And five pounds on me is a big difference. A few friends thought I might be pregnant. I told them it would be a miracle.
“Miracles happen,” J told me. This got me thinking, maybe they do. Could one have happened to us?
My mother thinks I’ll be pregnant by the end of the year. She also thought I’d be pregnant by the end of the summer. She also wants me to stop obsessing. Ironic no?
So there I was, a mere few weeks ago, declaring how comfortable I was with my family, my reality and at peace with my secondary infertility when I felt the pang of hope that I could be pregnant. I had two pregnancy tests under the sink. I thought better to use them so they don’t go to waste. Better to get rid of them so they don’t haunt me. So I peed on a stick 5 days out.
NEGATIVE. Well it is early.
Day 25. Heartburn was added to my symptoms. Might as well try the other one.
NEGATIVE. Well it’s still early and I’ve had a false negative before.
Day 26. I get my period.
Day 29 My period is LIGHT. For all my bloating and PMS I should be bleeding like a sieve. My boobs shouldn’t hurt any more. I should have peed out most of my bloating. But none of the above is happening. WTF?
My unconscious mind is clearly fucking with me and I’d like to give it a time out. Because feeling all of these symptoms sucks, especially since there is no pay off.
Anyone else suffer like this? What’s the point of it all? Should I go back on the pill to settle my hormones back down?