False Alarm

Even though we are no longer trying to have a baby it seems my body is still practicing for pregnancy. And believe me when I tell you, it’s annoying! How can I maintain a level head when my hormones fuck with me?

Let me explain what I’m talking about. On or about day 16 of my cycle this month my breasts began swelling and got tender. The kind of tenderness that makes a tee-shirt feel like an iron maiden and hugs torturous. They began to bulge out the top of my bra and made exercising painful.

This past month, I also had two weeks of nausea. My stomach was so queasy that I was bent over the toilet while tears filled my eyes. I whispered prayers for the nausea to pass and begged for whatever was making me ill to please get out. I ate half a sleeve of Saltines, four Tums, two charcoal tablets and digestive enzymes before I could sit without wanting to hurl. Once the wave of nausea passed I was starving! Did I mention the acne?

Then there was the bloating. My belly swelled. No matter how hard I exercised I felt fat. My scale said I gained one pound but it felt much more like five. And five pounds on me is a big difference. A few friends thought I might be pregnant. I told them it would be a miracle.

“Miracles happen,” J told me. This got me thinking, maybe they do. Could one have happened to us?

My mother thinks I’ll be pregnant by the end of the year. She also thought I’d be pregnant by the end of the summer. She also wants me to stop obsessing. Ironic no?

So there I was, a mere few weeks ago, declaring how comfortable I was with my family, my reality and at peace with my secondary infertility when I felt the pang of hope that I could be pregnant. I had two pregnancy tests under the sink. I thought better to use them so they don’t go to waste. Better to get rid of them so they don’t haunt me.  So I peed on a stick 5 days out.

NEGATIVE. Well it is early.

Day 25. Heartburn was added to my symptoms. Might as well try the other one.

NEGATIVE. Well it’s still early and I’ve had a false negative before.

Day 26. I get my period.

Day 29 My period is LIGHT. For all my bloating and PMS I should be bleeding like a sieve. My boobs shouldn’t hurt any more. I should have peed out most of my bloating. But none of the above is happening. WTF?

My unconscious mind is clearly fucking with me and I’d like to give it a time out. Because feeling all of these symptoms sucks, especially since there is no pay off.

Anyone else suffer like this? What’s the point of it all? Should I go back on the pill to settle my hormones back down?


2 thoughts on “False Alarm

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  1. Hi Holly
    Your blog came up when I went googling for”how to come to terms with secondary infertility?”

    I feel like I have been reading my own thoughts. My thoughts and feelings and turmoil put into words, expressed so precisely and vividly.

    We are heading towards our 7th year of what if. Our daughter a miracle 3yrs in the making is almost 6.5yrs old. She is the most unbelievably perfect little girl, more than i could have ever dreamed of. Being with her everyday is both wonderful and painful, because she is the proof of what we can create, she is the possibility of another miracle human being.

    I desperately want to move forward to switch off that hope and longing.

    I so want to be where you are at, free from the pain, or will I always have that what if, maybe, what would of it been like if….

    Thank you, your words have eased the pain a little, I feel less alone in my journey to be at peace what life has given, infertility more than anything else is a lonely place.

    1. K,
      I’m so glad you found your way to me. I totally understand the feelings you expressed. I look at my little girl and think “I cooked that!” and am awestruck by her every day. I will admit I am not in the perfectly over space every day of the week. Some days I still am dumbfounded that I can’t have more children. Other days I’m greatful to have her. I hope you find your way to a place where you are free of the pain and the haunting question what if. Big hugs!

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