I have been avoiding you. Nothing personal, it’s just I’ve had so many thoughts running through my head I needed time to sort them. I also wanted to be able to wrap them up in a funny package, but trying to write funny is disastrous. Instead I’ll confess to the things that have been keeping me up at night and hopefully they won’t be too jumbled for you because honestly this is how my mind works…
- I cut my hair short. It’s in a really cute 1920’s bob with bangs. I cut about 8 inches in length. I was excited about it at the hair salon, but since living with my husband’s less than happy reaction to it, I feel ugly. I told him before I did it. He warned me about how he would react to short hair. He doesn’t like it. I didn’t think I’d care, but three weeks since the cut, the look he gives me when he sees my hair is starting to stab at my heart.
- I was 5 days late. I thought I was over all that baby making crap. And then a speck of disbelief then hope crept into me and blossomed then was squashed when my period showed up on day 31. Flow had been starting on day 26. WTF! I can’t quite sort our how I feel about it. But these are the neurotic thoughts I had while contemplating being pregnant:
- How much longer would I be able to work out? Since I had 2 miscarriages I imagined asking my Zumba instructor how long she’d recommend that I do it? Could I do it less? Could I keep doing it since I’ve been at it 2x per week for 8 months? If I were pregnant who would I tell? Would I keep it a secret? Who would I ask for a recommendation for an OBGYN? When would the baby be due? Would I make my 25th HS reunion? Would I want to go 9 months pregnant? I would rather show up now, all thin and fit than large and pregnant. People in my class have kids in high school themselves, and I’d be there just starting my family. What would that be like? Would I keep the secret and tell my husband as his Hanukkah present? He keeps talking about not having to go through having a vasectomy since I am apparently infertile. And then that rubs me the wrong way because the most useless question pops up- why me? And if I were pregnant I’d have to finish my rewrites on Life-like and get an agent ASAP because pregnant brain and I aren’t very productive. I wish I could get out of bed in the middle of the night and write when my head is spinning uselessly like this because what’s the point of being awake if I’m not being productive? And what’s the point of being awake when my little girl is finally asleep? And why on earth has her sleep gotten so bad? When will she sleep through the night again? If I have a baby I won’t have any sleep. M y schedule will be at the infants’ beck and call. Am I ready to go back to that when I just achieved some personal time aka freedom? What will I do about our new kitten if I am pregnant? She refuses to be litter box trained and there is no way any child of mine is going to crawl around on a floor that may have a surprise puddle or poop.
- My 43rd birthday is one month away. I love birthdays. I think everyone should celebrate birthdays for at least one whole week. But something about this number is freaking me out. 43! SHIT THAT’S A GROWN UP AGE. I’d better get going on my book. I promised my husband I’d let go of the baby things in the attic in January. And two months ago I was ready to do it. I should have done it then. This week the idea of it makes me cry. Maybe I should cry. Let it out. Why do I feel the need to be strong when no one is around? What would tears do for me? Nothing. Or would it be sweet relief? Either way, he needs to back off. Not like he’s neat and not like the stuff is anyone’s way. So there! :PPPPP
- The first draft of life-Like, my Young Adult novel, is a bit rougher than I thought. My middle chapters have to be completely rewritten because I had lost my way there in my first draft. It’s taking longer than I’d like.
- I also have an essay I’d like to write. It’s kind of out there. I want to write about how I wish I could masturbate like a man. Or rather its about how I am jealous of men’s ability to turn on the internet and get off. I may write it as a short story though. I could have more fun with it if I fictionalize a few things.
See what I mean these are totally random thoughts bouncing off the walls of my mind.
And then the good stuff. I’ve hidden my daughter’s first night of Hanukkah present in the house. My parents used to hide our gifts and it was so much fun searching for them. I thought at 3 ½ she’d enjoy it too. It’s not exactly hard to find I’ll get sneaky when she’s older.
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! Hope your mind isn’t keeping you from enjoying the holidays!