Today the creators and producers of Expressing Motherhood had a Twitter party #expressmo. Jessica Cribbs was commemorating the date of her mother’s passing three years ago. This was a heartbreaking thing for me to read. It made those thoughts that I bury deep inside bubble to the surface.
I don’t know if any other mothers share them. But in true form to this blog I am going to say too much about personal feelings that no one knows I have or think about.
I worry about how old my daughter will be when I die. I think sometimes I was selfish to have her at 39 because we’ll have less time together than I have with my mom. I’m afraid when she is 43 I’ll be 83 and who knows what my mind will be like then or how good my health will be. Will I be able to sit at the kitchen table in her house and share a cup of coffee with her and her husband? Will her children wake me up by kissing my cheek? Will she always know how fiercely I love her? I don’t want to miss anything she does or accomplishes despite the days now when I want a few minutes to myself or I wish she’d go to sleep.
Do you know what I mean? I have this amazing relationship with my Mom. I talk to her practically every day. We laugh, we argue, we wonder how the other does things. My mom is not only gorgeous, fun, funny, artistic, spiritual, sexy, and sometimes annoying she is mine and I get to share so much with her.
She’s all there. We’ve traveled together to Egypt and cities across the U.S. I want to do things like this with my little girl.
But those dark thoughts creep up and haunt me, “She won’t have as much time as you do with your mom with you.” It seriously haunts me, it’s so sad to think about. But we do don’t we? That’s why we have wills and life insurance. Gross. I have to stop this thought. I don’t want to think about the things I may miss but instead of all the things I have. I love you Mom! I love you baby girl! Always!!!!