How much time will we have together?

Today the creators and producers of Expressing Motherhood had a Twitter party #expressmo. Jessica Cribbs was commemorating the date of her mother’s passing three years ago. This was a heartbreaking thing for me to read. It made those thoughts that I bury deep inside bubble to the surface.

I don’t know if any other mothers share them. But in true form to this blog I am going to say too much about personal feelings that no one knows I have or think about.

I worry about how old my daughter will be when I die. I think sometimes I was selfish to have her at 39 because we’ll have less time together than I have with my mom. I’m afraid when she is 43 I’ll be 83 and who knows what my mind will be like then or how good my health will be. Will I be able to sit at the kitchen table in her house and share a cup of coffee with her and her husband? Will her children wake me up by kissing my cheek? Will she always know how fiercely I love her? I don’t want to miss anything she does or accomplishes despite the days now when I want a few minutes to myself or I wish she’d go to sleep.

Do you know what I mean? I have this amazing relationship with my Mom. I talk to her practically every day. We laugh, we argue, we wonder how the other does things. My mom is not only gorgeous, fun, funny, artistic, spiritual, sexy, and sometimes annoying she is mine and I get to share so much with her.
She’s all there. We’ve traveled together to Egypt and cities across the U.S. I want to do things like this with my little girl.

But those dark thoughts creep up and haunt me, “She won’t have as much time as you do with your mom with you.”  It seriously haunts me, it’s so sad to think about. But we do don’t we? That’s why we have wills and life insurance. Gross. I have to stop this thought. I don’t want to think about the things I may miss but instead of all the things I have. I love you Mom! I love you baby girl! Always!!!!

 

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14 thoughts on “How much time will we have together?

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  1. Its the quality of those years, not the quantity. I lost my mom at the age of 22. I love the quote “I’d rather have five minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special”. Great writing Holly. xo

  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I always love reading what you have to say, but I am especially touched by this post and happy to hear you have an amazing relationship with your mom. That is a rare and wonderful gift. Your daughter will grow up treasuring her relationship with you because of what she sees every day. And by the way, from what I know about you..at 83? You’ll still be friggin hot, kicking ass and inspiring the masses!
    – Alison

  3. Thanks for writing about this Holly. Enjoy every single moment, life is short indeed…but still beautiful, even in the loss of my mother. Again, thank you so much for writing about this today.

  4. This is why my husband and I decided to have our children sort of young. The day after we got engaged, he was diagnosed with brain cancer. When he finished chemo, and we were facing all of these “how long?” type questions, we decided to start a family right away, because if the question was, “How long do you want to have spent with your children?” the answer was “every single moment I can.” I’m happy to say he’s still healthy, no new tumor growth, our twins are 2.5, and we have another on the way. We’re optimistic that at least he’ll be there to see them in junior high, to at least know they’ll have meaningful memories of him when, god forbid, he is no longer with us. (We are now 27 and 29 years old.)

  5. I could relate to this, more because I often worry that none of us, regardless of age, know how long we will be around. It breaks my heart to think about missing out on any stage of my kids’ development. It sounds like the quality of the relationship you have with your daughter (and your mom!) is excellent. All the best.

  6. My mother was 37 when I was born. And she died at 63, when I was 26. I miss her every day, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same having lost her. But I can assure you that I wouldn’t trade a minute more for any other mother in the world. She was the very best. Everyday, I strive to be like her, and to learn from her. I know that she had the age advantage in her mothering … it added to her parenting in ways that younger parents just can’t parent, until we age ourselves. I KNOW that your precious, gorgeous daughter is going to look back on you the same way. She won’t want to trade anything (not even time) for any other mother.

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