Irony= Going back on the pill when I’m infertile

Met with my OBGYN yesterday. It’s been practically five years since I went to see one for a regular PAP smear. I thought, after giving up on ever getting pregnant again, it was time for a check up and PAP.

My new doctor, Jack Lucas, MD at Eastover Obstetrics & Gynaecology Associates was wonderful. He took time to sit and talk to me before getting down to the business at hand. If you need an OBGYN in the Charlotte, N.C. I’d suggest seeing this man.

During our conversation I brought up my irregular cycle. I was curious if going back on the pill was a good option. He agreed that it was, and told me more about Seasonique, which is a low estrogen pill that gives women the option to only have a period four times per year. This was appealing to me. My period may show up anywhere from day 21- 35 so, knowing that my periods would be much farther apart sounds heavenly.

Of course after discussing birth control the, I wanted to conceive and have another baby, part of my brain hit the alarm button.

“What if you have some kind of miracle? If you go on the pill that will quash any chance of that ever happening. And why spend all that money on the pill when you’re infertile? Isn’t ironic to spend money on tricking your body into thinking it’s pregnant when it can never be again?”

“Ouch, bitch that hurts.”

“Just saying.”

“Well don’t say.”

“You’re the one thinking it. Let it out. You don’t have to do it this month. Wait, just one more month.”

“Do you know how much I hate the idea of “waiting one more month”? I’ve lived like that for three years. It’s a miserable way to live!”

“It leaves room for hope and miracles.”

“Exactly, it’s a fucking miserable way to live.”

“Fine, then go get the pill.”

“The silent treatment, really?”

“Not the silent treatment. Just, it still makes me sad. It still hurts knowing that I can’t have another baby. And the hurt doesn’t surface until it’s triggered. Thanks, for triggering it.”

“Come here. I’ll give you a hug. Everything will be okay.”

“I know. Thanks. Hugs always make me feel better.”

“I’m here for you.”


10 thoughts on “Irony= Going back on the pill when I’m infertile

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  1. Thanks for the comment on my blog. I love this post. I have conversations like this with myself all the time. I haven’t gone back on birth control since I gave up TTC 16 months ago – it’s a hard transition mentally.

  2. I dealt with infertility for years. My story is different than yours, but I don’t think that feeling of longing ever goes away. Making the choice to go back on the pill was very difficult for me, as well.

  3. I’m so sorry, darling Holly. This is horrible to go through and I can feel your pain in these words. I wasn’t infertile until after I had my 4th child die at Week 16, and there was no fixing it. I do have three wonderful sons, but the longing for that lost baby never goes away.

    1. Oh Kimberely it’s all so heartbreaking. My DH is starting to think I sound too crazy when I post about talking to myself. But it makes sense to me and when I say it out loud I don’t dwell on it. It’s such a strange kind of loss. Big hugs to you! xo

    1. Thanks for visiting me! I tried leaving a comment on your blog but bloggert just won’t let me use my wordpress id. It’s so frustrating…anyway this is what I wanted to say to you:
      I was on chlomid for 6 months and those hormones made me A CRAZY ANGRY BEAST! Which made me hesitate trying IUI. I didn’t have many side effects taking the hormones (actually the cancer treating drugs) for the IUI compared to chlomid. And I was so afraid of the shot, but that turned out to be the easiest bit.

      Wishing you a quick 2WW and a successful IUI. xx

  4. Add me to the club of those who have these kinds of conversations with themselves. Thank you for sharing your experience here so candidly. It is so very ironic after all you have been through.

    Recently I wrote a post called “Dear Prenatal Vitamins” when I decided that after taking them for about 10 years straight that it no longer was necessary for me to take one a day, that I could and probably should return to *just* a regular multi-vitamin. It was bittersweet for me to reflect on what those little pills had represented in my life for so long (my hopes and dreams for a big family, etc.).

    Though our stories/journeys are different, I also find myself at an ironic cross roads after ten years trying to build/expand our family. We feel very blessed and lucky for the two living children that we have, but experience many heartbreaking losses along the way. Now we are contemplating putting an end to our family building efforts, which feels so ironic after struggling with secondary infertility and recurrent early pregnancy loss and a neonatal loss for five years in between our living son an daughter, who are six years apart in age.

    Anyway, thanks for visiting my blog and letting me know you were there, even though I appreciate that you had trouble commenting.

    ICLW #6

  5. That is so hard. My DH and I always talk about birth control after we’re “done” (assuming we get to that point) and he thinks it would be silly after all we’ve gone through… He wants to leave the door open and I think it would drive me crazy! So, who knows. I hope you reach a decision you feel good about!

    ICLW #47

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