Letting Go

I did it. I packed up the last of the precious baby things I held on to and gave them away. The tummy time matt. Her crib bedding. The fancy felt blocks, BPA free bottles, and Sofie the giraffe.

Deep breath.

I think I’m settling back into accepting my reality: Hi, I’m Holly, and I suffer from secondary infertility.

My daughter won’t field calls from her sibling when she’s older and cousel him or her on their love life or job. She won’t be able to bitch about her aging parents and how stubborn we are or deaf we are becoming. She’ll stand on her own. She’s stronger than me, and I handle everything. She’ll be fine.

Besides she’ll tell you all about her other family if you ask, and even if you don’t. She has older sisters who live in space. She has other parents that live in a different house. She has a mean mommy and sister. She’s has an amazing imagination. Perhaps she’ll be a writer one day too.

But this is about me. I learned a friend is pregnant this week. She is in her 40’s. It happened naturally for them. No fertility treatments. No sex on demand or obsessing on conceiving for three years. They are a very lucky family. But they are not us.  That is not my path.

What is very natural for me is to feel a pang of grief. It does not diminish my joy for my friend. But I am honoring myself by acknowledging that I am sad that we could not share the same news. So instead of holding on to what once was, or what I wished would be, I let the past and dreamed of future go in a large wardrobe box labeled baby stuff.

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8 thoughts on “Letting Go

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  1. I know this was a huge step for you. I’m not sure “Congratulations” is the appropriate response, but I’m proud of you for taking that leap.

    Sending giant hugs across to you today. xxx

    P.S. I LOVE your new shot. I would read your book based on that alone. 😉

  2. And I know it’s cold comfort, but some of us haven’t been lucky in our siblings. Some of us have siblings who are difficult at best, a chore, occasionally a massive pain in the ass. We might have spent a night calling hospitals looking for a sibling in trouble, we might have spent years not speaking to a sibling, and we might know good well that in the future, we will not be able to rely on our siblings to help take care of our parents or even to commisserate about the troubles. Yes, sometimes they’re great, but a lot of the time, at least with mine, they’re a burden. I do love them, but with a big grain of salt. And you know, my friends who grew up as only children are pretty happy!

    Good luck with the letting go. I’m sure it’s very difficult and you are being very brave, sharing this with the world!

    1. Thank you Carin! Today I posted her fancy Orbit stroller and infant car seat. Someone has expressed an interest and there is apart of my gut screaming, “You can’t have it! I could be pregnant for all i know!!!” of course I am not pregnant, and of course it’s best to let the big items go too.

  3. Dear Holly, I came by here via SCBWI Carolinas, and you are the second woman I know who is suffering from secondary infertility. I am the third (but we have no one to blame but ourselves). Ours is a story of conversion, contrition, and reparation. It’s hard to let go, but it must also be freeing to know that you are open to whatever may happen. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.

  4. Hi there! Here from ICLW. I’m so sorry you’ve reached the point of putting away the baby stuff. I admire you for acknowledging your grief and not trying to run away from it.

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