Hi ladies of ICLW. This morning I am trying to breathe through some serious cramping. I know these are serious because I’ve taken an Aleve and a PMS pill and still the pain radiating from my right hip flexor through to my back has me wanting to say, “Mercy!”
On days like this I think my body knows what to do. It knows how to conceive and hold a child. It just refuses to do it a second time. I don’t know why either. I enjoyed being pregnant the first time. I loved the anticipation of meeting my daughter. I was fascinated by what my body was doing. I was less fascinated by it after having my girl and wishing to have it under my control again, but that’s another story.
Perhaps I’m not listening to my body. http://www.detourtomotherhood.blogspot.com visited and I read her post. It struck a chord. She said she wasn’t listening to her body. That she pushed herself farther than she should have is her pursuit to have a child. I’ve been there. I’ve taken the drugs, gotten poked by needles, gone insane on hormones and the singular goal of having a baby.
I thought if I had such bad pain and PMS didn’t I deserve another child? I love my little girl with every fiber of my being so why won’t the universe give me another somebody to love.
On the good days the answer is, it’s not going to happen. And I accept it. On the bad days, the answer is, it’s not going to happen and it hurts like a bitch. This is the one thing I can’t control no matter how badly I wished it, no matter how hard I prayed for it, and no matter how hard I worked toward it.
This week I finished up putting the precious things on Craigslist. Her 4-in-1 crib and the Orbit infant car seat, base and stroller. When my girl talks about having a baby brother I play along with what she thinks it would be like, but I don’t cry because she won’t have one.
Today I will be the best Mommy I can be to her, right after I lay down and breathe through these brutal cramps.