I received a miraculous gift. And I’d like to tell you about it because I could never have planned any of it. Not that I could have planned most anything that’s happened in my life.
Never in million years did I think while I was growing up on Long Island that I would move to California and consider myself a Los Angeles girl. Never in the eighteen years that I lived in Los Angeles did I ever remotely consider that I would move myself and my family to Charlotte. And yet here we are and it is wall meant to be. We are Southern.
Since leaving LaLa-land I’ve met world-class writers, illustrators and literary agents and I consider a number of them friends. Here these talented people share their successes and encourage those of us on the path to being published to keep going, while sharing guidance and tips on how to make our dreams come true.
And now I have opportunities to pay it forward. And I am thrilled and so excited about it that I am feeling high. Seriously, I am…and I have new glasses so it’s not my vertigo kicking in. ;P
My inability to have a second child left me with a bundle of love that I felt was going unused. I am not withholding love from my family, my daughter, or my friends, it’s just that there is an untapped glob of love that wanted to attach to someone, for a long time I thought it was for my twice miscarried child.
I carried that love like a clenched fist in my gut. I thought I was keeping it for another baby, but last night I realized that the love I was desperately clinging to was actually grief. And I felt that if I let go of that grief, the failed pregnancies, I’d lose the connection to the soul I thought at first wanted and then rejected me. If I let go of the grief, my saved love would disintegrate and the pregnancies would never have been.
My grief is very hard to talk about, so I didn’t. I went on with my day-to-day life, I made sure to thank God for the life I have, the good fortune, my home, my daughter, my marriage, my relationships with my family, the friends that I have, the creativity that I have, the book that I wrote, and for the spark of other book ideas that are germinating inside me. I was thankful for the connections I had with other writers. I didn’t want to be greedy. I thanked God over and over for my daughter. I have friends who can never have children. I wanted to make sure God knew I know how good I have it. But still that pain lived in me. I had no scar to bear outwardly so I let it fester internally.
Then last night I received a miraculous gift. On 12-12-12, the fifth night of Hanukkah, I received a message that the baby I lost didn’t reject me. The message was as clear as having a conversation with a friend sitting next to me. The message came from a soul I am connected to. That soul wanted to reconnect with me, to feel loved by me again and remind me it loved me too. It was so beautiful to feel this answer.
I am not broken, defective, or poison. My body doesn’t crave life so much it devours it. I am instead, a loving soul, and that loss was nothing more than reconnecting to love that was and is. And in that message of love, that soul asked for forgiveness for hurting me, much like I have begged it to forgive me for not being good enough to be it’s mother in this life.
No wonder I wrote a book about how souls connect. No wonder I wrote about longing to reconnect, love and spirituality. No wonder I wrapped Life-Like in a mask of snarky humor and limbo in the hopes to unconsciously connect the dots for others.
In the past weeks since sending my query out for Life-Like, I have been searching for a way to help children. My husband and I donated to One Simple Wish, we are sponsoring an orphan in Haiti through H.E.R.O Housing Education & rehabilitation of Orphans, I began mentoring a student, and I joined, donated to, and reached out to a specific girl at Good Friends. I needed to give back.
These donations were the gifts I could give. These were the ways I could pay it forward. And you know what. I can’t pay it forward enough. I’ve learned the smallest message to the right person at the right time is life altering. I woke up today without a pain that has lived inside me for three-and-a-half years.
I could have never planned my life’s path. The challenges I’ve overcome. The losses. The triumphs. The physical places I’ve lived that led to connections that benefit me. But I am truly blessed to follow the path I would never have planned.
Happy Hanukkah! Merry Christmas!